Currently I'm sitting on my deck in the sun. I've got the dogs at my feet, and I'm gently sipping on water because I drank too much wine last night. Other than the mild hangover I'm nursing, I'm kinda living the dream.

Laptop. Comfy deck cushions. Quiet company. Cool breeze. Warm sun.

The past 2 months have been absolutely insane, which is probably why I'm enjoying this so much.

We had a couple house showings, 2 sunroom installs, 5 jobs to maintain between hubs and I, a graduation, and a brilliant idea it was a good time to start the Whole30.

Needless to say, I had a few meltdowns.

But it's May now. I'm down to 2 jobs and both are part time. Hubs is still managing his 2, and I'm expecting life to get easier now that I can tinker at home a little and catch some life stuff up. Things like mowing, and groceries...those things.

But this Whole30. Do you know about it? If you do, you probably love it or hate it (and the only way you hate it, is if you didn't do it, or weren't prepared for it when you did it).

If you don't know what it is, it's essentially an elimination diet. No sugar, no dairy, no gluten, no soy, no preservatives (as much as possible). I've been having a lot of pain in my body in the past few months, and after rolling my eyes at all the gluten-free health crazes for years, I finally jumped into the pool with the crazies.

My take has always been, if you don't have an allergy (because those are real), why are you making such a big deal at the restaurants. And I always see gluten-free recipes and guides to healthier living, based on the message that if it's gluten-free, it must be good for you. And so I rolled my eyes.

But let's be real here: I'm right to an extent. Gluten free recipes don't necessarily mean healthy. Low carb recipes aren't automatically good for you. How many times I see "low carb" touted on pinterest only to look closer at the bricks of cream cheese stuffed into the recipe. Ummm...guys? Stop it.

Don't believe me? Take a walk down the gluten free aisle of your grocery store. There's just as much crap food there as in the other areas. It's a lie!

But here's where I was wrong: gluten, soy, sugar and dairy don't have to be an allergy to be bad for you. They can be inflammatory foods which are exasperating a problem you may already have. Your body is meant to run like a well-oiled machine. If something is out of whack, plus you're putting the wrong oil into it, it'll be 1) harder to identify the issue 2) make the issue worse.

So what I liked about the Whole30, was that it was for 30 days (I could commit!), it spoke well of animal proteins, and it made logical sense. It is meant as a psychological shift in your brain to change how you think about food, how you treat it, and your relationship in general with it.

And it was a success!

A side effect of the plan is weightloss, and I happily walked away from those 30 days with 7 less pounds on my body. I also now have a huge dependency on homemade mayo which I consistently turn into garlic aioli to mash my sweet potato fries in.

Okay...yes...I said fries. They say not to eat fries. But literally, I cut up my sweet potatoes and roast them in the oven. Which is how you make fries. It's an unfortunate coincidence. But that was the only rule I let slide a little. Other than that, I drank my tea black, I avoided sugar like the plague, I read all labels with the intensity of a dog watching you eat. I couldn't find bacon without some form of sugar, so I went to the local butcher and had him smoke some for me.

I was pretty much the sugar/dairy/soy soup nazi. "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

I scoured recipes until my brain hurt and my husband said "I miss you..."

And then a lightbulb went off. And suddenly this detailed diet which had all these rules, became so simple. And I realized all the things I COULD eat and make. And then I started loving it. It took about a week for that to happen, but when it did, I'm pretty sure I had a moment of nirvana.

My husband and I have technically been done the diet for 13 days, but in all honesty, we love eating this way. The day after we were done, I committed a Whole30 sin with reintroducing food, and I went all out with a Starbucks frappuccino. It was too sweet. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't know if I should be sad.

So a week later, I tried their coffee frappuccino. No whip, no drizzled goodness over top. It was good...but it was still too sweet. And then my Whole30 habit of looking up ingredients raised up, and I saw what was in there. And now I just can't have frappuccinos anymore. I tried eating at a local restaurant who I figured has pretty healthy food (and they do for the most part!). I asked if they had sugar in their pork shoga-yaki and the owner said "a little". Well, because it's one of my favs, I got it and .... HAS THAT ALWAYS BEEN THIS SWEET?! I did finish it though, because their Korean food is amazing. Even with the sugar.

Anyway. That's what I'll leave with today. Go and buy the Whole30 book if you're interested. It makes so much sense and it's just so down to earth.

On one hand, Whole30 will ruin your life as you know it. But on the other, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

It's lovely to find a day within the week for a quiet day at home. I find the sound of the laundry running relaxing. I open the windows to let the morning light in and find myself camped out on the couch surrounded by pillows and snoring dogs. It's simply the best moment of the week. The only thing that would help tip this day over the happy breaking point would be a mug of tea. However, I don't know if I could find this comfy spot twice, and I don't want to risk it. If lightening doesn't strike the same spot twice, I can hardly imagine this spot I've wedged my butt into would also present itself twice.

I have no inspiration to write. Which is why I'm doing it anyway. I've been doing a lot of reading lately (read as 2 books in the last couple months - hey, it's an improvement), and they are on the art of happiness and such things as that. And one basically talks about us doing the order of things wrong:

We think we can do something
We find inspiration
We make a masterpiece

But the reality is, we just have to do it. Then the inspiration comes. And then the masterpiece - or rather bits and pieces of crap that eventually can evolve themselves into a masterpiece if we give it enough time or patience.

Who exactly has either of those? Or both of them at the same time? They seem fleeting.

But since I have neither, I will write. It will be what it will be! One must start somewhere.

Wait: to cross the ocean, it must start with one paddle

Okay, so I never professed to be utterly deep or theological. There are many quotes out there, and after that little motivational quote I came up with, I realize I won't be joining the ranks of them.

Life can be pretty boring. (now I'm changing topics. Stay with me. I don't know where I'm going, but maybe you do.). I have been realizing the mundane things of life as it's slipping through my fingers.

We have laundry, dishes, work. Then we have what we do after work; tv, video games. Then in between there we manage what we got from working; money managing, paying bills. And then we do it all over again.

All. The. Time.

Over the past couple weekends, when I have time off, this has been so blatent to me. Sunday night I look at the time. I don't want to go to bed because the next day it starts all over again. Wake up early. Shower. Get daughter to school. Go to work. Pick up daughter from school. Make supper. Clean house. Try to relax. Fall asleep on couch.

That sucks. So I'm trying to figure out how to fit something else in between those things. Or take in what I have to work with and make them more exciting. More...happy. Hence the book reading.

Now all of this isn't to say I don't have fun. I do manage to fit in dates with friends, dates with hubby, family gatherings...but there's gotta be more, right?

What I'm discovering is there is a serious mind shift that needs to occur. The more I read, the more common themes I'm finding about finding satisfaction within life. And I want more than that. I want absolute peace, and to find a place where I'm 100% confident in myself, my faith and my path where I really and honestly don't care what anyone else is doing or how they feel about my path.

I won't tackle that anymore today, but I will just state some of the common themes within the books I'm reading to guide you toward your own journey of happiness (if you are indeed on that journey as well)

- Change your thinking. Change your daily patterns of thought from negative to positive. I've been reading Christian and non-Christian books to get a well-rounded perspective of this and it's such an obvious one (that we all know), but we don't do it. We let little lies, and untruths lead us throughout the day, beat up on ourselves, and essentially tie us down. Start catching the little buggers ("I'm too fat to wear that", "I'm always broke", "She has more luck than me", "only good things happen to other people"), and imagine yourself deleting them (I seriously drag those suckers to an imaginary trash can in my brain). Then replace it with something positive. Not only will your outlook become brighter the more you practice it, but I think you'll be amazed at how many opportunities you have to right your thinking (and how negative you are/were). Circumstance is only 10% of your situation. Attitude is 90%.

- Address your subconscious thoughts. Ok this one requires a lot more than a single paragraph, but I'll make it simple. Your subconscious thoughts are your underlying belief systems that you operate under. Let's say growing up your dad grumbled about money and how hard it was to make ends meet. Your childish mind had no filter, so it let that belief form that money is hard to get and there's never enough. Fast forward to your adult and conscious mind and your daily struggle with money. Guess what, you can't seem to make ends meet and you're reliving your father's struggle. Why? Because you believe that money is hard to get and is never enough. You don't think this on a daily basis, but you believe it deep down. Start addressing your subconscious. Sit down and look at the areas of your life that are a struggle, and think about what you actually believe about those things. Write them down. Replace those belief systems or they will keep tying you down.

- Forgive. Get over yourself and forgive. The best forgiveness quote I have ever read is this one:  "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past" - Lily Tomlin. In my life I have found that I have forgiven a lot of really big offenses, but it's the small ones that I like hanging onto and bring up and nursing. It's those little ones that I like to continue to bust open to feel the pain again and again. Oh my word. WHY? So whether they are big or little ones, forgive. If you need to find a therapist to discuss them with to help get to the root, do it. Whatever it takes, just do it.

- Everyone has the same amount of time in a day. You, your neighbour, and Oprah. We all have the same amount of hours in a day. Start finding and setting aside the time to do what you find important. You don't get to bank them, you don't get to return them for a happiness refund at the end of your life. You have to use them, or they expire. Figure out how to use them wisely.

- Be thankful.


I will leave you on that note. Being thankful is the best note to leave on.

These days I spend a lot of time on the road. In a week, I'll spend about 10-20 hours driving. I'm no long distance truck driver, so to a lot of people, that probably doesn't seem like a lot of time. But for me it is. And there are just a couple of things that I think about more than others while gliding along the concrete paths:

1) building another house (because, come on, that was a party with all the power tools, design planning and late nights)

2) getting back into writing music

and lastly

3) simply writing again

Where do I even start with getting back into writing? How do I even begin? There have been so many days and nights that have floated by without me even noticing. Stories I could have written (or did write within my mind as they were happening but never put to paper).

The last couple years have passed like a blur. I have kids growing up in front of my eyes, and those same eyes are developing their smile lines and creases. When that happen? I'm only in my mid-thirties, but at the same time...I'm in my mid-thirties! I'm young and old at the same time. I have to watch what I eat because my metabolism has no room for forgiveness. I have to run; less because I like it, and more because too many days on my butt means a bigger butt. Yet I still have more than half my life ahead of me which holds many dreams to come true, and I have half my life behind me full of dreams that came to pass.

And so writing has always been a passion, but in the midst of aging and trying to survive life and pay the bills that just keep on coming, I've forgotten how to use that muscle.

I've forgotten the words and phrases and the way sentences should roll off the tongue. I've forgotten how much more the world makes sense when I can write it down and pull its hold off my brain. I've forgotten the relief I feel when I can dig deep within and relearn who I am just by sitting down and moving my fingers on the keys. I can remember feeling thankful for high school typing class which honed my fingers to move almost as quickly as my thoughts. I remember feeling euphoric as my fingers told me how I felt and when I reread my sentences it finally made sense and why I felt the way I felt.

This was therapy. This was good. This was sometimes the only way I could find my way home. When I could pull it out of the depths and smear it on the screen, then and only then I could sleep soundly knowing that I could let my mind rest; even just for a night.

This I miss. I miss my heart. I miss my fingers. I miss it all.

This weekend was a quiet one. My house was clean enough. My projects were done enough. I took the weekend off to relax, to read (another lost art of mine), and feel sane. And then the more I sat and realized I was bored, the more I realized that it was that I missed writing. Both writing music and writing words.

So while I make no promises of showing up here on a consistent basis, I am here to remind myself that this is a good place to sit. It's a good place to rest. It's a good place to remember.

Writing is good.