Project Friday

Ahhhhhh....Project Friday is upon us.

My goals last week were:

1) purge the bathroom
2) update/declutter my recipe binder

Well, it's safe to say I did not complete EITHER of my tasks for this week! I made it through half the drawers in the bathroom, and I made it through just over half of typing up all the recipes in my recipe binder.

Talk about biting off more than I can chew!

But I won't put it aside. This next week is going to be filled with a lot of stay-at-home days, as we have Christmas, and my wonderful husband isn't going to heading into work for a lot of next week. So that means we will have a couple lazy days, which will turn us into feeling unproductive, which will get our task fires burning.

So to add to my last week's list (stuff still has to get done!):

3) Plan for New Year's Appetizers
4) Update our corporation's books and get them to our accountant (AKA my dad)

Our tradition every New Year's Eve is to put on a huge spread, invite my brother over (he's 15), and party in the evening with video games and the like. Top it off with fireworks, and it's the perfect evening. But, planning must go into it!!

Anyway, today I'm running out to deliver some Christmas Cards, and then I guess I will have to plug more hours away typing up recipes to get it off my list!

Have a wonderful Friday! For many people, it's the last day of work before the Christmas break, and for my kids, it's the last hurrah at school for the year!

Advent Activity Day 20

I, unfortunately, had to miss out on this Advent Activity due to a Christmas Party among my girlfriends, but as you can tell by the pictures, a good time was had by all!

My husband took the time at bedtime to ask the kids how they were liking the Advent Activities. SS said "LOVE them" and daughter said "we should do it at Easter and EVERY Holiday".

So I think it's been a good experience. The kids' love tanks are full, and that makes us happy.

Project Friday Is Almost Here!

My husband accuses me of taking on more than I can chew. It's something I can laugh at. Here's an example:

Christmas Baking. If you know me, you know I LOVE to bake. I'm good at it, and I enjoy good baking! I also love to feed my family scrumptious morsels.

So as I'm baking, my husband asks me "you sure you aren't going overboard?".

"oh no," I respond. "I only have a few more things to bake."


We now currently have a table set up in our garage to handle all the baking that won't fit into our freezers. Yes. Freezers with an S.

I think I did it again.

And now with project Friday upon me tomorrow, I realized that typing up an entire binder full of recipes is a bit of a feat!! I may be on here tomorrow admitting defeat. I guess there is a reason why things on my list stay there for months. Time.

Well, I will stop my blogging and start typing up "Crustless Bacon and Cheese Quiche" for my recipe binder. Here we go!!

Advent Activity Day 19

Very Straight-forward. Because the season isn't simply about us having fun and enjoying our blessings, but when we are entrusted with blessings, it's our responsibility to share them.

The kids weren't overtly interested in this one. My daughter does enjoy this kind of thing, but my SS was hard to read. It wasn't as "fun" as some of the other activities, but I thought it was still important.

Tonight I won't be around for the Advent Activity, as I have a Christmas Girls' Night Party, and I'm disappointed to be left out of it. This last one I wasn't involved with either. The week before Christmas, and I catch a cold.

Healthy as a horse before then, but yesterday feeling like the dumps. My wonderful husband banned me from partaking in the trip to the store to pick out the presents, and instead ordered me into bed. He is a good man. He came home with cold meds and made me tea.

I really can't complain!

Advent Activity Day 18

While we had all the presents for family and friends set aside, we needed to include our furry family - our dogs.

We first took the kids to the pet store and probably drove the store worker there nuts with everyone squeezing all the dog toys and giggling. But eventually we settled on getting them each a pre-made stocking.

The toys in the stocking will not last more than 5 minutes with the rotti, but may last at least an hour with the boxer, but there is something about the stuffies that the dogs love. Tyro (rotti) grew up with a stuffed dragon. He seriously went everywhere with it. Until he was about 6 months old and his destructive chewing killed his dragon. We've tried using soft toys rated 10 out of 10 for destruction but he always finds a way to shred them.

However, he still has a soft spot and you should see his eyes light up when he is given a stuffy. Seriously. It's like Christmas lights on a dark night.

And Lucy (boxer), well, she likes anything she can cuddle with.

So after the store, we went home and made some homemade dog biscuits. We used bone cookie cutters and baked them so they crisped up. Tyro and Lucy each got a small sample but the rest will wait for Christmas day.

Yes. The kids also tried them. No. They didn't taste good. Apparently they tasted like wood. But the dogs LOVED them, and that's really all that counts, right?

Advent Activity Day 17

Decorating cookies is so simple, and so much good sit-around-the-table time. Plus it's good to get those creative juices flowing.

I have incredibly creative children and seeing the cookies they come up with is always a hoot.

So here is Day 17:

We had the music cranked while we worked. We don't have Christmas music per se but we made due with our itunes list. And then of course the party broke loose when Gangnam Style came on. See bottom left of the collage. Oooooh boy. :)

Advent Activity Day 16

Open Your Special Ornament and Put it on the Tree

We had a family gathering the entire day yesterday, so we needed to have a smaller activity to claim the rest of our evening.

While at first the ornaments may look like snowflakes, they indeed are not:

Our kids are HUGE into Gangnam Style. Everything is Oppa Gangnam Style! They dance, and can sing the lyrics (which the majority are not in English) fluently. Huge fans live at our house. So they LAUGHED when they figured out what the ornaments were!!

Advent Activity Day 15

Build a Snowman

We got a good dumping of snow (good), but it was the fluffy, non-stick kind (bad).

We improvised. We piled snow and created our snowman lying down. We used a pumpkin for the head, and with the aid of power tools created some eyes and a mouth! Very funny to create this "creature" on the ground.

Advent Activity Day 14

*stretch

It's was a very busy weekend. Fun, but very busy. We had my husband's work banquet as well as his side of the family's Christmas gathering.

We have my husband's son again for the next week, so that always adds something more special to the Advent Activities. It's nice to have him home.

Advent Activity Day 14: Put Together the Gingerbread House

 It started off well, and then it collapsed. We tried propping it up with toothpicks and holding it while the icing hardened, but there was no use. Our Gingerbread House crumbled! In the end, SS took the piece that was meant to be a tree, and turned it into a rocketship. DD (dear daughter), took one of the gingerbread men and some jujubes and turned it into a creepy old woman with a walker.

So, it was in the end a success. We arranged the house so it wouldn't fall over (with the roof as the walls), and took our finishing picture. It was fun!

Project Friday

My day so far has consisted of nothing that shows proof I did anything. I dropped my daughter off at school, I worked on my advent collage for yesterday, I ran errands to the bank and grocery store. And then I remembered: It's Project Friday!

Last week I decided that getting something done one week at a time would help cross off those long procrastinated projects on my never-ending lists.

My book is done! I actually posted on the side bar. I will seriously have to find another self-publisher because while you can purchase my lovely book, I don't know of many people willing to spend $25 on a children's book. A bit steep. But if you have money to toss my way, I will take it. However, in the meantime, I will look for another place to get it published for less.

But that was a project I put off for YEARS.

This week I have another project I have put off for years. I think about it several times a week, but I never think of it when I have spare time.

Organize my recipe binder.

If you are anything like me, there are handwritten recipes, there are printed out recipes, there are recipes you don't recognize all crammed into a binder that is ripped and worn.

Splotches of oil, grease, and food that you're not quite sure you could identify are smeared on the pages and what once showed order and care, now shows chaos and crazy.

Like my daughter once said to me "mom, your crazy is showing". Well, today it's showing all over my recipe binder.

My goal for this week is to go through that binder, type up recipes that are scribbled on looseleaf, organize runaways and actually be able to look in the dessert section and not find "meatloaf" beside cheesecake.

Looking for meals shouldn't be this hard.

I'm also adding another project on my list because I envision the recipe fiasco taking just 2 days. I'm adding "purge the bathroom". We would like to sell this house in a year, and I really don't think I need to hang onto the expired medication that litters my cabinets. That and I always wonder why there isn't enough drawers in my bathroom...it looks like we should have enough...

I hate moving. And the one thing I hate more than moving, is moving all the crap I've collected that I don't really want but I keep moving it with me. Now's the time to be rid of such nonsense!!

So Project Friday concludes with:

1) Recipe Binder
2) Bathroom Purge

Beautiful. Organization? Peace? Could this be within my grasp?

Project Friday Week 2 BEGINS!

Advent Activity Day 13

Here it be!

So the plan was to actually make bannock over our firepit. However, we got a bit of a snow dumping in the past couple days and it was nice and filled up. The second idea was to do it with the BBQ outside, but quite frankly, it was cold. And I'm a wimp.

We decided instead to do it over the oven. With the roasting sticks.

Beautiful, isn't it? The glow of the element?


Day 13: take to the firepit (or oven) and make bannock!

Advent Activity Day 12

Alright. Well as much fun as it is to GET something, it's more fun to GIVE something. My daughter has said that this one so far is the best Advent Activity.

That makes me happy that her heart is on the right path!

Create a Gift for your Teacher:

We had a lot of fun with this one. Unfortunately my husband couldn't be there as he was out driving with my dad to go pick up our half cow we ordered. Still very important! But my daughter and I cranked the music, did some wacko dancing (think funky chicken, sprinkler, "shopping cart"), and put together a gift for one of her best teachers yet.

She couldn't wait till the last day of school before Christmas holidays to bring it in. She had to bring it in this morning.

Fun, fun and more fun. These activities are seriously up there with the best things yet.

Advent Activity Day 11

Yesterday we did our activity and then headed out to the States. Being in Canada is fantastic (love it!), however, getting certain deals in the US is fantastic as well. And more often than not, the deals don't ship to Canada.

On Cyber Monday we did our Christmas shopping. I will say that if you have the time, the energy, the patience and the internet connection, you should do this next year. We were done our Christmas shopping before we even started to feel the December crunch that always happens. Christmas feels so far away and then...what?...it's December 1?!

I am aware that Christmas lands on the exact same day every year. It's not a surprise. It's not hidden and then suddenly revealed. The moment Christmas is over, we do expect another one in exactly 365 days.

Yet every year I experience the same panic, the same stress, the same planning malfunctions.

But not this year!! Seeing as my Christmas plans were changed anyway by an outside source, I thought I'd mix things up and actually shop BEFORE December.

So we had our packages shipped to a place right by the border. They take your shipments (US Address), and then we just drive out there (just over an hours' drive), pick them up, pay a small fee per package, pay our taxes owing at the border and zip on home.

Glorious.

Shopping on Cyber Monday can get you all kinds of deals. But have your lists ready (so you don't fall prey to "oh that's cool, let's get that too") and check your prices earlier on. Some state that they have deals, but if you look around, they really just offer it with big print and bright colours. Also check your shipping. Almost got caught on that one.

We wrapped most of the presents until we ran out of wrapping paper, and that was our evening.

Of course, we didn't have our daughter with us seeing as there were presents to pick up. She went to Grandma's house. She LOVES Grandma's house.

So everyone was happy!

I organized this activity so it would be really short and quick and she could get to her favourite place in the world, and we could get on the road.

Unwrap a New Book. Who doesn't like getting a new book? My daughter LOVES to read. She has several series going on right now including this book that she got yesterday. She just started Lord of the Rings, and has a couple others by her side.

So here we are; Advent Activity Day 11:

Homemade Laundry Detergent

In desperation to find enough shelves in my brain to house all the thoughts, ideas and tasks that I create for myself, I decided to dedicate some of the blog to sort out these ideas. There are a few things I need to get straight and do research on, but without dedicated time, they fall through the cracks.

Since quitting my job in May, money is tight. It keeps getting tighter, and I need to find smart ways of getting our house in order, saving money, and paying off those elusive debts that seem to never go away.

I have a couple areas I'm trying to clean up my life, and money is the biggest thing on my plate right now. I want to get our money in a smart state and run a household with brains and pennies instead of convenience and chaos.

With that in mind, I've decided that dedicating a certain day to my plights, might aid me in fixing these areas (or making a small, but visible dent in the sides). This assures me that I do actually have to time set aside for my journey.

So starting today, I will brave Tuesdays with my money saving ideas and see if they actually do pan out, or if they are merely ideas that have no merit.

Today is Tuesday, so here we go!

HOMEMADE LAUNDRY DETERGENT

I love Pinterest. I love Pinterest too much. It is a devourer of my time. However, good can come of this. I discovered this idea of Homemade Laundry Detergent on there.

I'll attach the link that started my brain working on this idea, but I ended up reading many different sites, many different ideas, and then creating a concoction of what I had readily available at my fingertips. And what made sense the most financially.

In the original version that I read, they discussed using baking soda as well as washing soda, and oxyclean. I did more research, and a lot of what I read lead me to believe that the baking soda is for hard water and the oxyclean is for more cleaning power. We live in a small town, and have well water, so our water is hard, however we use a softener, and I read in several spots that that will eliminate the need for the soda.

I also read many recipes that did not include oxyclean, so I figured that if my laundry wasn't coming out clean enough, I could always add a sprinkling of this if I found I needed to. Yesterday I washed our bedding and it looked and smelled very clean.

Also, for people who want their detergent to have a stronger smell, can add laundry crystals or use a stronger smelling soap. I don't need my laundry smelling like fields of clover, or like I'm burying my face into a bouquet of flowers. I just need it to smell clean. So, this wasn't an issue for me.

My recipe:
5 1/2 Cups Borax
5 1/2 Cups Washing Soda (NOT BAKING SODA)
1 1/2 Bars Ivory Soap

I used Ivory Soap for 2 reasons...actually 3.

1) Several recipes suggested it
2) I buy it anyway and so have piles of it in my cupboard
3) It's a pure, natural, nothing-added soap and that makes me feel better about myself. I like feeling good about myself. :)

You use a cheese grater to grate your soap. The grater is easy to wash later and bonus, it's super clean. Mix all the ingredients together in a large container and VOILA! Laundry detergent.

Use 1-2 tbsp per load. This will dissolve in both warm and cold water which makes it even more wonderful.

Now, with money saving tips, I also don't want to be spending countless hours to save a couple pennies, so my motto is "the effort has to equal the savings".

I'm pretty sure this one hits the motto on the head.

Ivory Bars: $3.47 for a pack of 10 (enough for 6 batches)
Borax: $5.99 (enough for 2 batches)
Washing Soda: $5.97 (enough for 2 batches with some leftover)

So one batch equals $6.51

Soap ($3.47/10*1.5) = $0.52
Borax ($5.99/2) = $3.00
Soda ($5.97/2) = $2.99

The batch will make enough for approximately 125 loads (I measured out my "practice" one before using accurate measurements on my second batch so this is my guesswork) . That works out to $0.05/load!

If you buy TIDE's PODS (which I usually don't but have the last 2 times because they are convenient and my kids don't pour the liquid all over the machines and let it run down the sides....), they sell for $19 for 77 pods. That is $0.25/load!

I would say that is pretty good savings.

It took me about 10 minutes to measure, grate and mix and put it into a ziploc bag. I want to get a pretty container like the lady who turned me onto this idea, but we have to do these things one at a time.

Anyway, HAPPY DETERGENT MAKING!

Advent Day 10

I haven't made Gingerbread men in YEARS. I forgot how tough the dough is to roll out. That, and we were supposed to refrigerate the dough for 2 hours, but we were short on time, so 15 minutes would have to do!

I left the activity early for a coffee with a friend, but my husband finished it up with my daughter. He let her finish (read: eat) off the decoration icing. Straight in her mouth. I got a text from her at bedtime. She was very excited about that part!

Memories, memories!!

Advent Day 9

Take in a Movie at the Theatre.

This by the way, is an amazing movie. It was really, really good.

Advent Activity Day 8

Christmas Trees for the Birds!

Okay, well, the original plan was to take pine cones, lather them with peanut butter and roll them in bird seed. But you work with what you have. We took apples, gouged a couple divots in them, smeared peanut butter on them and rolled them in hamster food.

We tied ribbons around them and then attached them to our tree outside our front window. They are very pretty hanging there! Starting yesterday, SS (stepson) went to his mom's for the week, so we only made 3 apples, and you'll notice his absence from the pics for the next week.

Our daughter had a lot of fun. She's crafty and loves doing things with her hands. I don't generally, and I can't think of anyone she is related to who does, but this fills her little love tank up. You do what it takes!

So we are sharing the Christmas spirit with God's little winged creatures today (and I'm sure the squirrels will beat the birds to them. Bless their furry little hearts.)

Advent Day 7

So this day we went to Bethlehem Live. A church in Winnipeg, puts this on and it's amazing! This was actually our first year going.

It's set up so a group of 20-30 people are put through at a time, with different scenes from the Bible leading up to the birth of our Christ. It's put on entirely by volunteers, the set up is phenomenal, and I can't imagine the work put into it.

The first scene is a scene with King Herod and the Wise Men, then you're moved onto another scene, and another. Everything from a market place filled with women chattering about the latest news, to an stable filled with real animals. It really was impressive.

So this year we were able to take it all in and it was really, really good. (oh, also baby Jesus is a real, live newborn. Amazing!)

Catching Up to My Dreams

I can't be the only one out there who has way more ideas than followthrough! Today as I was sitting and catching up on Facebook, and drifting to check out Etsy, I came up with several neat ideas that I could probably do for some cash on the side. Just little things...crafty things...smart things...

All things that I'm sure somehow, deep down, I'm capable of. And then it dawned on me that I haven't even finished my list of things I already have written down. Things I need to take care of.

So. Today I decided that I need to focus, get my butt in gear and get a few things off my To-Do List before I start scratching more onto the bottom of it.

One thing I did actually complete just a couple days ago was a collection of Photobooks. My hubby and I figured that it would be nice if the kids actually got pictures of their lives. You know, so they can remember past the mundane chore lists, and the boring day to day things and back to the fact that yes, we did actually do things.

As I was putting the books together, I came across things that even I forgot about! We found a turtle in my garden in 2011. That's kinda cool!

I made each kid their own books, with pictures primarily of them. I made a book for 2009, 2010 and 2011 for each of them. Plus we took the kids to Disney World in 2011, so that was recreated in a separate, and identical book.

Why 2009? Well because that's the year I met my stepson, ergo I have pictures of him. Eventually, I will go back in time to finish my daughter's books, but I don't really have any other pictures of my SS before that period of time and my husband didn't have a whole lot in his boxes either.

They will get those books as Christmas presents and from this year on, will get a book capturing the previous year's shenanigans. So next year, they will get 2012 and so on.

So that's ONE thing off my ever-growing project list.

When I quit my job in May to focus on our side business as well as somehow develop a more efficient home I had grand ideas. Get this. One of my great ideas was to bake every other day. Maybe even have healthy, yummy snacks for the kids when they got home from school. I also planned on having suppers ready every day for my husband when he got home. Well, that one I'm pretty good at, but there are occasions I melt down halfway through the day with other things going on and my wonderful husband comes home to rescue the supper burning on the stove or with a pizza in hand.

Well, actually I very rarely burn anything. I'm a very good cook, but you get the idea.

The moral of this story is that life is BUSY. Life is full of distractions. Take today. My goal today was to clean up the house, take the youngest dog to the vet for socialization (because she is afraid of every blinkin' thing and wets herself over anything), and maybe get a workout in. What is actually happening...well, I'm blogging. But after that, I'm hopping in the shower, heading down to my mom's to take pictures of her Bible Study group, picking up a Notice of Assessment from my accountant, stopping by the bank to get a letter, squeaking back in the door to hopefully organize supper and head out the door for Advent Day 7. So...things don't happen as we plan.

That all being said, we all have things on our To-Do Lists. I need to plan out my kitchen for future renos in February. I wrote a book years ago that my husband wants printed so we can give it to friends of ours who had a baby last year (it's a kids book). I have to de-rust my bathroom (hard water. You know.). I have to take the dogs for a walk consistantly. I have to catch up on my paperwork for the business so I can get the taxes filed. I have to start preparing for my personal taxes. I have to wrap Christmas presents....

I have to. I have to. I have to!!

So many things. Too many things. I need to stop chasing 100 things at a time and focus on one thing. Focus on one thing and finish it. Then move on. It's so overwhelming thinking of the meal plans to make, the chores that need accomplishing, the dreams that need fulfilling. If I find the time, I find I'm often aimless because I have no focus. So then the time I have steals away and I still have the exact same list I started with.

So. Today is December 7th. This week, I am focusing on finishing the children's book that my husband is pushing for me to complete. It's not getting professionally done, so it won't have the same finished look, but I've entered most of it onto an application called Blurb and it'll be nice.

December 13th is my official deadline. I have that time to make the edits I need, to increase the page length creatively (the book has to be 20 pages to print. I'm at 14 pages. Arg.), and to get it ordered. December 13th.

And now every time I have a grand idea floating around in my head, I'm going to create a list. A list that each week I will tackle something on it. It won't be overwhelming because it'll be written down AND I'll be crossing something off.

December 13th, expect a post about the completion of the book!

Advent Activity Day 6

Today my dear husband was away at work all evening. Unfortunately that meant him missing out on the Advent Activity. So, in order to compensate, and still do something family orientated (and something that still needed to get done!), I move a couple around and we signed the Christmas Cards that we're sending out!! (Cheers? no? Groans?)

It wasn't a very exciting one, as the other ones seemed to be, but with the lure of eating fresh gingersnap cookies after the task was done, I succeeded in getting 60 cards signed.

It was still a lot of fun, and just getting those 10 minutes in (yup. 10. They are super signers. Especially when rewarded with molasses in cookie form) of family bonding was good. It was too bad my husband missed out on it, but at least it wasn't as involved as some of them are.

Here's the picture for today!

Advent Day 5

I'll do better from now on with getting the days posted when they ACTUALLY happened. Sometimes life just takes over but I'm sure I can find 10 minutes to get on with the program.

Day 5 was making hot chocolate (homemade), and playing a board game. The kids picked Scattergories, and although they had never played before did really well! My ten year old had a harder time with it, as there are things to think of like Historical Figures and Notorious Characters, but she kept her chin up and had a ball! We got really loud and played for much longer than anticipated. Most times, games take about 30-45 minutes. We spent an hour and a half trying to kick each other's butts! My hubby ended up owning us all and was thrilled that he finally beat me at this game. Usually I win, but he had the brains last night (and arguably all the time)!

Advent Day 4

It was SO COLD, but it was SO FUN! I haven't gone sledding in probably 2 years. I take the kids sledding, but actually going....I think I remember the last time was when Mark and I were dating and we took the kids out for an activity. I forgot how much fun it was. 

The days before we went were full of melting, then freezing, so while the hill was pretty treacherous to climb, it was a quick ZIP to the bottom. We only stayed out for about 45 minutes in the cold, but we spent each minute wisely. Lots of sliding, and I'm pretty sure I was the loudest screamer.

Advent Day 3

I tried posting this last night, but sometimes my computer and I are not on the same page. However, today him and I are on the same side! We find even though some of the activities are very low-key (this one took around 5-10 minutes because we each took turns placing a character into inn), it is what you make of it. I still enjoyed the family time, and it was evident that the kids did too. It's not about the activity. It really is about the time together. Advent Activity Day 3:

Advent Day 2

Yes, I do realize I'm posting 2 in a day. I might even post 3, as today is actually Advent Day 3 in our household.

But here is Advent Day 2:

Advent Day 1

I don't think time and I are friends these days!

My husband and I's business had a huge event 2 Sundays ago, and most of my week before it was spent practicing my facepainting, getting supplies and helping pull things together for the event. It was ridiculous. The week after the event was spent trying to recover and, well, Ikea came to Winnipeg (YAY), so I had to spend some time getting in on that action!

But I really wanted to document the days that we had with our advent calendar. So far the kids are enjoying it. It's an excuse to hang out, and I'm pretty sure we haven't entered the "totally uncool" stage yet with our kids. We might be "kinda uncool", but I'll take it!

So here is Activity Advent Day 1:

Advent Activity Calendar Complete!

Alright, so I dedicated my day to this little project. Those who are crafty could have mastered this in about 2 hours, I'm sure, but I had to put my whole day aside.

BUT...

IT IS DONE!


So, to reiterate my post a little while ago, I saw this on a lovely blog, and I wanted to do something similar (aka exactly the same).

This is where I was several days ago:

I organized everything on a Business Card template in Pages, so I didn't have to muss around with such nonsense like cells, or boxes or whatever they are all called. This gave me symmetry. Something I like.

Then I attacked them with a papercutter and a scrapbooking Corner Edger. It made my corners very pretty and not so homemade looking.

Aren't they pretty now?

Then I took number 3 coin envelopes and did minor decorating on each one, marking the advent days on each one.

I went through our personal calendar, and figured out which activities would be best each day. As we only have my husband's boy 1/2 the time, I wanted to make sure he got to take part in some of the ones I think he'd find most memorable. Some of the events were time based and only landed on certain dates (like the LIVE Bethlehem we wanted to take part of this year where a church uses like people/animals/sets to relive the events of Christmas), so I didn't have much of an option as to who got to all take part in it. And other activities that were small (unwrap a special ornament and put it on the tree), could land on days where we had a family gathering planned, or a Christmas concert scheduled, or the like.

Then I loaded up the envelopes, and I tossed them into my favourite mexican bowl. I don't have a fancy display for the cards, and I'm not crafty enough to sew one, or create one. So I figured this would be good enough!

And now....we wait. I'm hoping the kids enjoy it. I think it'll be fun, and create memories, and give lots of photo opportunities. As I look back at my picture collections, it makes me sad that 1) I haven't taken enough pictures and 2) the kids are growing up way too quickly.

But that's my attempt at the advent calendar. I hope that you can gleam some of your own ideas off of it, and have some fun with it!

Step Stumbling

Nowadays there are piles upon piles of books on stepparenting, or marrying a man with children. There are manuals and methods on how to "blend" your family, and how to nurture your marriage past the swarm of unrelated children.

I could use a step by step book on finding your place.

Did you know the most common thread throughout these books is not knowing where you stand in the relationships?

The Christmas Deal (as I'll refer to it from here on in as), really put me in a spin. Sometimes I think I get a handle on where my place is. This one threw me for a loop. I've been hashing it out in my brain for the past few days and trying to figure out what all is such a struggle for me.

1) My husband considers me the lesser of two evils. Either I'm mad at him, or his ex-wife is mad at him. I've sworn marriage till death (though at this rate may come sooner than anticipated), and so, although I have the potential to make his life a little more like hell for a while, eventually I'll get over it. I love him. He knows this. This moves me into the "lesser" evil category. His ex? She'll make his life absolute hell. She has this down to an art. So he will pick her preferences over mine if that's what it comes down to. My "pros" can't compare to her "cons".

2) Where does this leave me? We have 4 more years of him picking her preferences over mine. Do I stop offering my words of advice? Do I bother having an opinion? What's my role in this? He will always ask my opinion, but do I give it?

I do want my heart to be right in this. I don't want to be an old bag muttering under my breath for the next 4 years. I really want to define something for myself. I mull and wrestle through things until I can find a concrete answer, and I've spent the last 4 years trying to get that concrete to dry. It's still soft and mushy, and there's way too much water in the mixture.

Do I shelve myself for the next 4 years, and then when their boy is 18, get to have an opinion? I don't know. I don't want to be 100% one way, or 100% another way. My way or the highway (as I usually am...I'm discovering I'm horribly black and white.) isn't really what works.

What an internal fight!

I know 2 things for sure.

1) I'm to be my husband's wife. There is no abandoning ship here.

2) I'm to be the mother of my child. She might be my saving grace here. I can pour into her while I figure the rest of this marble garble out.

But as for the definition of me and my stepson's relationship - I haven't figured that out. As for the place of my heart when we deal with schedules and such - it's dark and needs the Lord desperately.

Can someone write a book and say "this is what you do when...." or "this is what you say when..."? That would be a God-send!

Because I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

In the meantime, I'll work on putting my efforts into household chores, crafts, and budgets. There's got to be lightbulb moment coming up soon.

Christmas is 37 Sleeps Away

Amazing hey? Is it just me, or is this season sneaking upon us like a lion stalking a gazelle? I hardly noticed it coming, and now I am going to run like the dickens to prepare for it!

It is official, that my husband's ex has changed Christmas plans. It's very hard to swallow as it now affects my family (parents), my traditions (daughter) and my own heart (resentment).

But since I either have to change with the plan, as I really have no say, or I can rail against the change and not enjoy my Christmas as it's now dictated to me.

Adapt or be miserable.

I do intend on being miserable for a while. I'm enjoying my sulking and I have no desire to paint on a happy face or excitedly change traditions that have been in my families for over ten years due to one woman who needs to get her way.

I want MY way. Funny how we are as people, right?

So in my pity party, I've started a project that I saw on Pinterest some time ago. It's an activity advent calendar. The concept is simply to not just have a chocolate to eat every day till Christmas as our Advent Calendars in the stores provide, but to have something to do together to help build memories. I do like memories. And I do like building them.

Nothing seems to fill our kids up more than doing something as a family.

Here's the link that I first stumbled across this:

http://kimmccrary.blogspot.ca/2010/12/activities-advent.html

I won't take credit for coming up with the idea. It's way too smart for me to have come up with on my own, but I will run with it. It's such a great plan!

So this morning, I started to plan and organize activities and put them on some card stock.

I came across one stumbling block, and that is cutting the activities apart. I created them as "business cards" on Pages, so they would all be uniform and I wouldn't have to put a whole bunch of effort in to create my own boxes for my words. The business cards are the perfect size, and I was able to have fun with the font, and be assured that they would all be uniform sizes.

I'll need to pick up a paper cutter this week, to finish up separating the activities. I am way too much of a perfectionist to even risk cutting the stock paper with wavy lines.

But this is as far as I got today:

I'm using my evil energy for good. It's really nice to be able to work on a project for the family, even when I'm feeling very distant from family. It'll all come together yet at some point. I'll cool down, and life will continue to go on and be good and wonderful. And the bonus is that I'll have a project done that I would have wanted to get done to begin with! I'll update this project when I get it finished. Hopefully before December 1!

And so I'll end with: the sun is still in the sky, the dogs still lick my toes, and I still like Bailey's in my coffee.

Week of Celebrations

*Yawn

I am feeling lazy for the past couple of days. My birthday was on Sunday. My husband and daughter made for a wonderful celebration. I had a chai tea latte with a shot of Bailey's first thing in the morning, followed by a glorious cinnamon waffle breakfast completed with a Mimosa. Rocco's Pizzeria Manager's Special in the evening, with a movie. It was glorious. I relaxed, my husband took care of everything including maintaining a clean kitchen, serving me hand and foot, and it was wonderful.

Today is our 3 year wedding anniversary. Celebrations today include a "happy anniversary" text first thing in the morning to each other, getting our daughter to public skate in the evening, and racing to my step-son's volleyball game.

Not really romantic, hey?

I'm not too disappointed, because I have to remember that this is real life. The world doesn't stop for birthdays (most of the time), anniversaries, and people's special occasions. Everyone has moments in their life that they have to stop, breathe, say they are taking in the moment, and then rush off to whatever kid function, or crazy moment they were in the middle of.

So with that being remembered, I simply pass a message onto my husband:

I'm thrilled to celebrate 3 marriage years with the most amazing, sexy, kind, man of God. I'm proud to say you are my husband. I'm honored to say I am your wife. You have treasured my heart, provided safety for my growth and given rest to my struggle. You offer your strength without hesitation, your covering without resentment and your protection without resistance. You are my beloved and I am yours. I love you!

And now, I must be off to exercise, clean the bathroom, and wash the floors! And they say romance is dead!

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” ― Groucho Marx

I cannot believe how much time has passed since my last post. I seem to only post during the week (as I'm all home alone, I can run my music as loud as I'd like, talk to myself, and find the best time to blog without interruption), so that quickly narrows down my days.

It's been a good week. And it's been a bad week. But I would say, (as a friend of mine has said) since I have the Holy Spirit on my side, my week has been good.

Do you ever have a cracking moment? I do on occasion. Things are good. Really good. You're making progress in your mind, your heart, your physical, your spiritual...and then...

CRASH.

One thing. Just one simple thing can do it to me. I'm sure it's not just one simple thing. It's probably an accumulation of several things, but I usually can attribute it to one thing. Then I'll be as mad as hell about it, and then get over it and life goes on to being good.

We have all kinds of dynamics in our family. Wonderful dynamics? Um....I'm praying about my heart changing on that one. Currently, they are not wonderful. But they are also not going away any time soon.

The short version is this:

I was married previously. I have a child from that marriage. My ex-husband has no contact with my daughter and I. Recently my husband's adoption (of my daughter) was approved. (hurrah!)

My husband was married previously. He has a child from that marriage. He has 50/50 custody. His ex-wife has proven herself a thorn in our sides. By the Grace of the Lord, I'll state that I'm sure she can be nice. However, it has not been evident in our dealings with her. Things are often tense. Simple boundaries are not recognized let alone respected, and I've been called a few things previously not ever been called (to my face anyway...or to my husband's face rather).

It has been a very stretching trial to go through. My heart has been torn in so many directions. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I want to scream. And sometimes, I just shut down and decide that I'm not going to feel anything because feeling something requires energy, and I'm plumb out of it.

It's put my husband and I on different planes somedays. Not that he disagrees with me. His marriage to her was tumultuous at best and we'll say nicely that fidelity was apparently not fully explained to her. He understands dealing with her is rough and painful. Schedules are always being moved around, I can't plan things ahead on certain days and even things that are set in stone....really aren't.

It's a maddening carousal, and somedays I get so spun around that I just vomit. I can't stomach it somedays. I can work with reason. I have a heck of a time working with silliness or illogic.

And this time it was regarding the Christmas schedule. The one thing that always remains the same. It's in the court agreement. She insisted on setting it up how she wanted it originally, and it has stayed that way for 10-12 years. She has whined about it for the past couple years; saying it isn't fair. but this year she is forcefully requesting a change of schedules.

So I crashed. Hard.

I first offered my suggestions to my husband. I offered different scenarios that could work, but I really didn't want to move our traditional Christmas plans. (I can be a stick in the mud - I will give anyone that. I like having plans and knowing what to expect. Plus I have treasured traditions that I've had since I was a kid and passed them onto my daughter. We like tradition.). I remained in a very good head space. Then there was more texting from her. And more pushing.

And I withdrew. And then, when I sucked in all the pain, sorrow, and grief into the heart of me, I blew it all into the face of the one person who I love the most dearly.

My husband.

Oh. I railed. That poor man has the patience of a monk. He is amazing. And I felt so horrible afterwards. I thought of it after and realized I wanted him to feel the same pain that I am struggling through. I'm completely lost in this area, and I wanted him to FEEL it. He listens to it (more than he really gets credit for), but I wanted him to feel it.

I made him feel something, but it wasn't my pain. It was his own, as his wife reamed on him for things that are out of his control.

We made up, and I asked for forgiveness which he gave (in my opinion), too quickly and without strings. But I feel marked. I feel like I crossed over something in which I should never have crossed. We don't fight much in our relationship. We actually try to work things out like smart and healthy adults. Although, I kinda skipped that part, time travelled backwards and threw a temper tantrum like a toddler whose blocks had just been knocked over.

Seriously. That's the closest image I can possible muster to show you my immaturity. If you can picture that, just replace the screaming kid face with a screaming adult face. Not pretty, is it?

But what it also pushed me into was a different sort of grief. It pushed me into a painful, remorseful grief, that made me weep. I love, LOVE, my husband with my entire heart. He is the kindest man I have ever had the pleasure to meet. And if I have met kinder, I will not admit to it, because I'm positive my husband is the kindest. He is kinda the Hallmark card of men (but much more manly). He says the things I need to hear, he backs me up with I need the strength, he guards my heart and he covers me.

And I verbally vomited all over him. I got off that carousel and...blech.

I sat on our couch downstairs after my workout the next day. And I thought of the impact that had on me and how much I mourned it.

And then I came to a realization about the Lord (as my husband stands a human and less perfect version of my Heavenly Man). Why do I not grieve the same way when I grieve His heart? The Lord loves me infinitely more than my husband does (which means I can't fathom it at all). And yet, when I say things, or throw my temper tantrums, or behave badly towards Him and His love....I don't mourn the same way.

It should impact me the same, if not more-so, as this did.

So I asked the Lord to teach me more about loving Him. If I want to experience the same impact from my sin on my own behaviour, then I must love Him MORE. I do love the Lord. I want to obey Him, and listen, and do the things He asks of me. But when I don't do them, I don't grieve.

And He responded by saying that in order for me to love Him more, I need to KNOW Him more. I need to know who He is, what He likes, what He doesn't like.

It's like when you're dating someone and you are looking forward to falling in love and getting to know this person you are awkwardly sitting across from. You have to spend more time with someone to get to know them. You have to ask them questions. You have to be willing to answer their questions. You have to listen. You have to talk. You have to be you. You have to learn how to love that person. You can't fully love someone in the true essence of the word, without KNOWING them.

So in the midst of a horrible mistake on my part, God is using it (what was meant for evil) for good. I love how He does that.

In the beginning of my week it was a struggle, but now I know there is purpose, and I'm really looking forward to falling in love (again) with my Saviour, and my Friend. My God.

Love

I came across this quote early this week on Pinterest. I found it sad, but I couldn't figure out exactly why. I pondered it and thought upon it. 

When I run, I have thoughts that work their way through my brain like water runs through a sponge. Some stays, and some trickles out. This one took some time, but it finally worked its way out.

Love. In today's day and age (and perhaps in years before, but I never recognized it nor was told of it from my parents' "time"), the word love is used too much to describe too many things. I'm guilty of it as anyone. Love is tossed around like it's worth pennies and people don't recognize the value of invested love. 

Love is diagnosed publicly as a few simple feelings: sweaty palms, heart flutters, top of the world mind state. It's whimsical, and a whirlwind. It's to be followed no matter the consequence.

We hear it's worth fighting for, but do we actually take this into account when old love is faced with new love?

I love my husband. I've loved him for a mere 4 years. It's the longest I've ever loved anyone (other than my family and my daughter). Do I love him the same way as I did when I met him? No, I don't. Do I still get those fluttery, butterfly feelings? Sometimes.

If I would open myself up and look outside my marriage, I'm very confident that I could find those feelings. But those aren't love. Those are the starts of love. Those are the enticing thrills that draw us into love. Those are not by definition love. Those are fleeting. 

I adore my husband. I adore him in a different way than a woman swoons over the looks of a handsome man. I adore the way he tells stories. I adore the little things about him. The things I had to take the time to discover. Certain things he says make me laugh, not because they are necessarily funny, but because they betray the nerd within him. I can anticipate his reactions and I can plan surprises for him that I have no doubt he will like. I can reveal my heart and have no fear of betrayal. I can cry, and he will hold me. I can rant, and he will listen. I can strive, and he'll tell me to relax. I know things. And I know love. I know him. And he knows me. He can feel me disappear when I get frustrated. He can see in my eyes when I've had enough. He can see in my eyes when I'm overflowing with admiration towards him. He can anticipate my needs, and he is my rock when I'm weak. He is my hero, and he is my provider.

This is love.

On one hand, the whirlwind, the quick heartbeats, the unknown is intoxicating. It's a remarkable rush of emotions. It's a thrill. But there is something that is wonderful about knowing someone so intimately that they know you better than yourself and you them. Comfortable is not the right word. Comforting, maybe. 

It's kinda like life is this wicked storm outside your window. And you are safe. Wrapped in a blanket with a warm cup of tea and a wonderful book. You are safe. The storm will rage on, and may bang against the window. But you are safe.

I guess simply put, the quote "Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second" leans on a world logic that is sad and misled. Love changes over time. Love matures. Love moves from racing heartbeats, to two steady hearts beating as one. Love sweeps us off our feet, and into each others' arms. Love isn't cut and dry as loving one person more. 

If you fall for the second one, you've simply not learned how to either identify the different types of love, or you're too immature to recognize the value of it. 

And what are you doing looking outside your love?

Love is a garden, and it'll grow however you tend to it. You and only you are responsible for your garden. If you take the time, you'll reap a harvest. And I promise it'll be the most amazing thing you've ever had the chance to taste.

So do I love my husband the same as 4 years ago? I answered "no" and I stand by that. 

I don't love him the same. 

I love him more. 

What Makes You Beautiful?

I suffer from low self-esteem among many other ailments.

I am human, as everyone else seems to be, and I suffer from a thing called lack of belief in myself.

I think it's sad really. I think it's sad not only for me, but the more people who I discover to be human, the more common the ailment seems to be.

Low self-esteem has caused me to make some very bad choices in life.

Take my marriage to my first husband. Yikes! I was terrified that no one else would love me. So instead of saying "well, if no one else loves me, I'll still be better off" I got married out of a fear that I was unloveable. I married into a very abusive, and destructive relationship. I simply married fear. And fear is not something you want to be married to.

During the time of my marriage, I lost whatever self-esteem I had squirrelled away. I lost my hope, and I lost who I was.

We separated for a short time in between cohabitation spats and I went for counseling. That proved to be one of the best decisions of my life. Although I went back to my first husband for another 7 or so months (he gave up his girlfriend for me. Awwww...), I did discover the fire that burns in my belly. I discovered who I was again. Just a glimpse, but that glimpse was all I needed.

I called the cops during the last incident. I braced myself for the consequences. And I have grown better from them. I cried a lot during those years. I fought for my strength, as ironic as that sounds. And I discovered that I'm braver, stronger and...loveable.

The Lord had His hands full with healing me and restoring me. After 5 years of being single, working on my heart and working towards a future, the Lord brought the most amazing man into my life. That was almost 4 years ago. I'm very thrilled to say that he is my husband now and we've really enjoyed 3 blissful years of marriage. He is stunning. In spirit, in mind and in body. He is phenomenal. He is a good, good man.

Don't worry...I am getting somewhere with this history lesson. My sweet husband is very saddened though by what I call my "lack". I wish I could for one moment see myself through his eyes. He told me last night that I would be a lot freer in every aspect if I could only get a glimpse of what he saw.

I have come a LONG way from the 18 year old who was so terrified that everything she held was worthless.

I, however, have a much longer way to go.

I still struggle with my body (despite my husband's obvious desire for it). I struggle with my personality (despite my husband's admiration) and I struggle for my destiny (despite my husband's encouragement). Why do I struggle so much with this simple statement:

I am beautiful.

Beauty encompasses so much more than physical, although it does include that. Beauty is how you hold yourself, how you react, how you deal, how you walk, how you breathe. Beauty is such an intricate part of being a woman. Women were created for beauty (read "Captivating - by John & Stasi Eldredge". Amazing book. My husband read it too and he said it was really insightful though because it's written for women in "woman talk", can prove a tough read for men. I haven't read it in years, but can't imagine my remembrance of how good it was would change.)

If women were created for beauty, and I am a woman, simple deducing will come to the conclusion that I was created for beauty. And if I was created for beauty, that must mean that hidden underneath all my scars, masks and coverup...is BEAUTY.

My husband knows this already. I don't. But I decided that I'm going to try. I'm going to discover what kind of beauty I'm created to show. Every women is different. I won't portray the same type of beauty as my friends. We each are individuals. We each hold a key to a different aspect of beauty. My mission is to not only discover what makes me beautiful, but to walk in it and to start reflecting what the Lord created me to reflect.

My mission (and I choose to accept it), is to discover what I find makes me feel beautiful. It's an interesting concept. But if I find what makes me feel beautiful, I'm more able to act beautiful.

Here are a couple of things that I find lights up my heart:

- running. Not really during. Not directly after. But about 45 minutes after my workout shower is over, and my temperature returns to a decent state, I feel proud of myself. I feel strong. I feel like not everything is impossible. It changes my mind's state and makes me move into a place of conquering. That makes me beautiful.

-flowers. My husband doesn't buy my flowers (shush your gasping). I'm not a gifts person. So him buying me flowers doesn't mean that much to me. Instead, he comes home with the newest Sims 3 expansion pack and gets handsomely rewarded in ways only a wife can reward a husband. Trust me. He knows me. But flowers are beautiful and they can make a house feel beautiful. As it's my job to take care of the house (I just became a "stay at home mom". All you feminists can untie your panties from that comment about it being my job. It really is my job.), I want the house to feel beautiful. The house feels beautiful with flowers. A couple years ago I started on a garden in the front with perennials. I'm not a gardener by any means so it's a work in progress, however. When I walk onto my yard and see the flowers, it makes me feel beautiful. I bought superstore flowers the other day while in the checkout and put them on the table. They match perfectly with our wall colours. It makes me happy every time I pass them now. They make me smile. That smile radiates right down to the core of my heart and lights it up. It makes me beautiful.

-baking. This doesn't make my waist beautiful, but it makes my household happy. I'm a good baker. I have the "touch". I'm good at it. And I know it. And knowing that I'm good at something and successfully completing it, makes me feel beautiful.

-music. Playing it and writing it. I put it on the back burner for several years. I forgot about it. But I love music. I love the sounds and the feelings it can create in my heart. It is love. It is beauty.

So with a few things in my arsenal (and many more things to discover), I can implement some of these things into my days. It makes my heart happier. And if my heart is happier, the rest of me is more relaxed. If I'm relaxed and my heart is happy, I naturally become more beautiful in how I hold myself, how I react, how I deal, how I walk, how I breathe.

What makes you beautiful?

Run

I'm learning how to run.

I'm not kidding when I say learning. I'm the most uncoordinated, and unathletic (I know that's not really a word) I have ever met. The only reason I wasn't picked last on the sport teams at school recesses was because one of the captains had a crush on me. Although I did get picked 2nd last on several occasions when he wasn't there.

It was always between me that the kid who could hardly lift up the bat. Yes. I was THAT bad.

The only thing I ever did well at athletically was when the school did those periodic fitness tests. The thing I would kick butt at were how many crunches I could do in a minute. I had freakishly strong ab muscles. I currently keep them safe under lock and key (aka tummy chub). It's VERY good at protecting them. And just so you know, I lost the ab crunching title many, many, sad years ago.

But I have several friends who are into running. They look lean and fit. I want to look lean and fit. I also would like to have the discipline to actually push my body to another point. Have a goal, and reach it!

My weight only really began to be a struggle after I got married. I married a delightful man who has the same food impulses that I do. And it's been a glorious 3 years! We would eat night snack with the kids...and then we would eat night snack after the kids went to bed. Mmmmm.

So really all weight gain has been my fault. I can't blame it on genetics, thyroid issues or anything medical. It's simply the math that I ate more than I should, and was extremely lazy. I did diet a year ago. I did a protein diet, and it really does work! I dropped 16 pounds. And then I started eating normal food again and put it all back on.

I decided I needed a better plan. Something that made sense. Something that I could manage. And then the brainwave hit me:

Eat a reasonable number of calories and exercise.

There it was. BING! The light went on. Revolutionary I know. I'm right up there with Thomas Edison. And so looking at my options, I decided running would be the best way to go. Still haven't figured out why I thought that, but I guess seeing the success my friends have all had, it was encouraging.

My husband is all into this too. We bought a Bowflex for him and it's wonderful. I try to do some weight training too as that is really what burns the fat off my jiggly arms. And then we bought a treadmill.

Treadmill vs outside running is sometimes a running discussion. I, however, look like a tomato ready for the plucking after my run. Wait. A tomato in the rain ready for plucking. That's more like it. And so I was super self-conscious about my hot, glowing face. That and...well I suck at running. What I like about the treadmill besides the comfort of home, is that I can run "uphill" and that it is very encouraging. That little strip of running pad just doesn't stop. Unlike me. I would stop. So it is a very good trainer.

I started running 3 weeks ago. Last week was a right off as I had a brutal cold, did hardcore interval training on Monday and fatigued my muscles into agreeing that I was a wimp.

Yesterday, I finally hit a goal. 2 miles! I know. To some people, that is a warm up lap. But to me, I was wondering if I was running to meet my Maker.  To sound more impressive, that's more than running 3K.

But to anyone starting to run, take encouragement from my attempts. I have mild asthma, I can hardly run in a straight line, and death becomes me 5 steps in. If I can do this, so can you. AND, here's a great playlist that helped me hit my 2 miles!

(I run at a speed alternating between 5.0, incline 2.0 and 5.5, incline 1.0 and this list takes me straight to the end after my 3 minute warmup. It's a 353 calorie workout.)

Jeremy Riddle - You are good
David Crowder Band - O Praise Him
The Fray - Heartbeat
Mumford & Sons - The Cave
Mumford & Sons - I Will Wait

Mumford & Sons are one of my ultimate favourite bands. I keep them for last because there is nothing like a banjo that can push me forward. (don't knock the banjo until you've listened to these fine young musicians!)

The Fray is also a favourite band. This song is perfect in the middle for me. And the other 2 artists are great artists, but their music doesn't push me as much as I need later on, so they get first pickings.

I'm hoping to hit 5K by mid-November. I don't know how much more pushing I will do. That's a really long workout past 5K, and unless I develop a solid and divine love for running, I hardly think more than that is worth it.

I just need something to uncover these abs of steel from the good ole days.

Changes...Always

Changes are such a part of life. Seasons, moving, families expanding, families shrinking, jobs, pets, vehicles, relationships. It's all so simplistic looking from the outside, but there is always so much involved on the inside.

What a season of change it has been. I have been seriously low, and now I've begun to crawl out of my wintery cave that I've been hibernating in, hoping the storm will blow over.

My husband and I love fall. The colours; oranges, golds, reds. They just rip through the skyline and insist in us breathing in their beauty. Suddenly the thickest of trees have depth and intrigue that they didn't have before with their bright green leaves. It's change. And it's beautiful.

Over the summer, the Lord has been exposing things, shutting doors and switching my mindset. It's been a really difficult summer and early fall. We had dreams of building a house, dreams of moving, dreams of selling old things and dreams of paying off debt. We had a plan. Oh, boy did we have a plan. So did the Lord. I really wish sometimes I would compare plans BEFORE going ahead with ours. It's a lot more simple that way. I'm thankful for Grace, because without it, the crashing down from pride would leave a lot more than just the skinned knees and bloodied hands. Instead of losing my life, I have a few wounds to heal up, but I'm better for them.

So while our dreams are on hold, we are waiting for the Lord's dreams to come to fulfillment. His dreams for us are always better for us; we just don't like waiting for them.

What? Wait on the Lord? ....um, I'm pretty sure I can get this done quicker.

That thought is usually hit with a screeching halt and more than a few stubbed toes and mumbled words of frustration.

I run into brick walls when I try to force things. Oh, I'm also one of those who lives in dreamworld illusion where I think I AM making progress, and then I realize that this really isn't where I wanted to be anyway.

Always better just to wait. God once responded to one of my prayers by saying "I can give you this now, but you won't get what I have waiting for you down the road". Hm. Well, He ALWAYS has something better waiting down the road. I have to put down my instant gratification (anyone who knows me knows that is such a stumbling block for me...hello sales on electronics...yes. I do need that right now...) and wait.

So all of this is related to change because I am 1) learning to wait and 2) waiting with the intent of listening.

And now to switch gears, but staying in the context of change: I'm seeing the need to change myself. We are all in the process of change. Everything in our environment is indicative to change. I listed a few things in the beginning that we are all exposed to. I've realized that over that past couple years, I haven't been flexible to change. Rather, I've been a stick in the mud. A lot of things have been pushing me to change, and it hasn't done any good to me. When you don't change, when you don't move with it, and grow with it and discover what you could do with it, you grow old. You get old in your spirit and your heart. You know what old looks like right? That's the elderly guy who spits, throws his food and yells at all the youngsters who are trying to have some healthy fun. That's OLD. That is wrinkly, ugly and disgusting.

You know what isn't old? The elderly couple gently holding hands as they walk through the park laughing about their grandkids. That's young and soft, and flexible. That's love, that is beauty and that is kindness. That, is remaining open to CHANGE. Moving with what life hands you and loving anyway.

I'm heading down the ugly path. I can see it. Sure, I laugh and keep some pieces of the young within me, but I tell you...if you don't take the ugly out (even if it's just a touch), it will swell like a cancer within you and eat all the young. I'm not really ready for that.

So since I see that bit of ugly within me, I'm on a path to change.

I couldn't figure out why in June I started changing my hair. My hair has been black for almost 5 years, and changing it to blonde seemed like a strange thing to do. People asked me what brought it on...I had no idea. I just knew it needed to be done. Now I can see it's a symbolic move. I'm changing, and I'm making it obvious. I can feel it within me too. The Lord is gracious, and He is kind. He has been revealing things about me over the summer and so like I said, it hasn't been an easy summer. But it's also now fall.

My leaves are changing. They are turning from a solid green into golds, oranges and reds. They are creating depth within me and they are beautiful. Learning to move within this will require different moves than I'm used to. But I like it. It's like dancing. It's discovering new things, lovely things. It feels like my eyes get to see things a little brighter, a little clearer. It's wonderful.

So like a surgeon removing an unwanted substance from a body, the Lord has had to cut me right open. He gives His anesthetic in loving breaths, but He also uses a pretty sharp knife. He has given me another chance to live.

And like every person given a new chance to live, He also gives a new chance to change. He really is beautiful, isn't He?