What Makes You Beautiful?

I suffer from low self-esteem among many other ailments.

I am human, as everyone else seems to be, and I suffer from a thing called lack of belief in myself.

I think it's sad really. I think it's sad not only for me, but the more people who I discover to be human, the more common the ailment seems to be.

Low self-esteem has caused me to make some very bad choices in life.

Take my marriage to my first husband. Yikes! I was terrified that no one else would love me. So instead of saying "well, if no one else loves me, I'll still be better off" I got married out of a fear that I was unloveable. I married into a very abusive, and destructive relationship. I simply married fear. And fear is not something you want to be married to.

During the time of my marriage, I lost whatever self-esteem I had squirrelled away. I lost my hope, and I lost who I was.

We separated for a short time in between cohabitation spats and I went for counseling. That proved to be one of the best decisions of my life. Although I went back to my first husband for another 7 or so months (he gave up his girlfriend for me. Awwww...), I did discover the fire that burns in my belly. I discovered who I was again. Just a glimpse, but that glimpse was all I needed.

I called the cops during the last incident. I braced myself for the consequences. And I have grown better from them. I cried a lot during those years. I fought for my strength, as ironic as that sounds. And I discovered that I'm braver, stronger and...loveable.

The Lord had His hands full with healing me and restoring me. After 5 years of being single, working on my heart and working towards a future, the Lord brought the most amazing man into my life. That was almost 4 years ago. I'm very thrilled to say that he is my husband now and we've really enjoyed 3 blissful years of marriage. He is stunning. In spirit, in mind and in body. He is phenomenal. He is a good, good man.

Don't worry...I am getting somewhere with this history lesson. My sweet husband is very saddened though by what I call my "lack". I wish I could for one moment see myself through his eyes. He told me last night that I would be a lot freer in every aspect if I could only get a glimpse of what he saw.

I have come a LONG way from the 18 year old who was so terrified that everything she held was worthless.

I, however, have a much longer way to go.

I still struggle with my body (despite my husband's obvious desire for it). I struggle with my personality (despite my husband's admiration) and I struggle for my destiny (despite my husband's encouragement). Why do I struggle so much with this simple statement:

I am beautiful.

Beauty encompasses so much more than physical, although it does include that. Beauty is how you hold yourself, how you react, how you deal, how you walk, how you breathe. Beauty is such an intricate part of being a woman. Women were created for beauty (read "Captivating - by John & Stasi Eldredge". Amazing book. My husband read it too and he said it was really insightful though because it's written for women in "woman talk", can prove a tough read for men. I haven't read it in years, but can't imagine my remembrance of how good it was would change.)

If women were created for beauty, and I am a woman, simple deducing will come to the conclusion that I was created for beauty. And if I was created for beauty, that must mean that hidden underneath all my scars, masks and coverup...is BEAUTY.

My husband knows this already. I don't. But I decided that I'm going to try. I'm going to discover what kind of beauty I'm created to show. Every women is different. I won't portray the same type of beauty as my friends. We each are individuals. We each hold a key to a different aspect of beauty. My mission is to not only discover what makes me beautiful, but to walk in it and to start reflecting what the Lord created me to reflect.

My mission (and I choose to accept it), is to discover what I find makes me feel beautiful. It's an interesting concept. But if I find what makes me feel beautiful, I'm more able to act beautiful.

Here are a couple of things that I find lights up my heart:

- running. Not really during. Not directly after. But about 45 minutes after my workout shower is over, and my temperature returns to a decent state, I feel proud of myself. I feel strong. I feel like not everything is impossible. It changes my mind's state and makes me move into a place of conquering. That makes me beautiful.

-flowers. My husband doesn't buy my flowers (shush your gasping). I'm not a gifts person. So him buying me flowers doesn't mean that much to me. Instead, he comes home with the newest Sims 3 expansion pack and gets handsomely rewarded in ways only a wife can reward a husband. Trust me. He knows me. But flowers are beautiful and they can make a house feel beautiful. As it's my job to take care of the house (I just became a "stay at home mom". All you feminists can untie your panties from that comment about it being my job. It really is my job.), I want the house to feel beautiful. The house feels beautiful with flowers. A couple years ago I started on a garden in the front with perennials. I'm not a gardener by any means so it's a work in progress, however. When I walk onto my yard and see the flowers, it makes me feel beautiful. I bought superstore flowers the other day while in the checkout and put them on the table. They match perfectly with our wall colours. It makes me happy every time I pass them now. They make me smile. That smile radiates right down to the core of my heart and lights it up. It makes me beautiful.

-baking. This doesn't make my waist beautiful, but it makes my household happy. I'm a good baker. I have the "touch". I'm good at it. And I know it. And knowing that I'm good at something and successfully completing it, makes me feel beautiful.

-music. Playing it and writing it. I put it on the back burner for several years. I forgot about it. But I love music. I love the sounds and the feelings it can create in my heart. It is love. It is beauty.

So with a few things in my arsenal (and many more things to discover), I can implement some of these things into my days. It makes my heart happier. And if my heart is happier, the rest of me is more relaxed. If I'm relaxed and my heart is happy, I naturally become more beautiful in how I hold myself, how I react, how I deal, how I walk, how I breathe.

What makes you beautiful?

Run

I'm learning how to run.

I'm not kidding when I say learning. I'm the most uncoordinated, and unathletic (I know that's not really a word) I have ever met. The only reason I wasn't picked last on the sport teams at school recesses was because one of the captains had a crush on me. Although I did get picked 2nd last on several occasions when he wasn't there.

It was always between me that the kid who could hardly lift up the bat. Yes. I was THAT bad.

The only thing I ever did well at athletically was when the school did those periodic fitness tests. The thing I would kick butt at were how many crunches I could do in a minute. I had freakishly strong ab muscles. I currently keep them safe under lock and key (aka tummy chub). It's VERY good at protecting them. And just so you know, I lost the ab crunching title many, many, sad years ago.

But I have several friends who are into running. They look lean and fit. I want to look lean and fit. I also would like to have the discipline to actually push my body to another point. Have a goal, and reach it!

My weight only really began to be a struggle after I got married. I married a delightful man who has the same food impulses that I do. And it's been a glorious 3 years! We would eat night snack with the kids...and then we would eat night snack after the kids went to bed. Mmmmm.

So really all weight gain has been my fault. I can't blame it on genetics, thyroid issues or anything medical. It's simply the math that I ate more than I should, and was extremely lazy. I did diet a year ago. I did a protein diet, and it really does work! I dropped 16 pounds. And then I started eating normal food again and put it all back on.

I decided I needed a better plan. Something that made sense. Something that I could manage. And then the brainwave hit me:

Eat a reasonable number of calories and exercise.

There it was. BING! The light went on. Revolutionary I know. I'm right up there with Thomas Edison. And so looking at my options, I decided running would be the best way to go. Still haven't figured out why I thought that, but I guess seeing the success my friends have all had, it was encouraging.

My husband is all into this too. We bought a Bowflex for him and it's wonderful. I try to do some weight training too as that is really what burns the fat off my jiggly arms. And then we bought a treadmill.

Treadmill vs outside running is sometimes a running discussion. I, however, look like a tomato ready for the plucking after my run. Wait. A tomato in the rain ready for plucking. That's more like it. And so I was super self-conscious about my hot, glowing face. That and...well I suck at running. What I like about the treadmill besides the comfort of home, is that I can run "uphill" and that it is very encouraging. That little strip of running pad just doesn't stop. Unlike me. I would stop. So it is a very good trainer.

I started running 3 weeks ago. Last week was a right off as I had a brutal cold, did hardcore interval training on Monday and fatigued my muscles into agreeing that I was a wimp.

Yesterday, I finally hit a goal. 2 miles! I know. To some people, that is a warm up lap. But to me, I was wondering if I was running to meet my Maker.  To sound more impressive, that's more than running 3K.

But to anyone starting to run, take encouragement from my attempts. I have mild asthma, I can hardly run in a straight line, and death becomes me 5 steps in. If I can do this, so can you. AND, here's a great playlist that helped me hit my 2 miles!

(I run at a speed alternating between 5.0, incline 2.0 and 5.5, incline 1.0 and this list takes me straight to the end after my 3 minute warmup. It's a 353 calorie workout.)

Jeremy Riddle - You are good
David Crowder Band - O Praise Him
The Fray - Heartbeat
Mumford & Sons - The Cave
Mumford & Sons - I Will Wait

Mumford & Sons are one of my ultimate favourite bands. I keep them for last because there is nothing like a banjo that can push me forward. (don't knock the banjo until you've listened to these fine young musicians!)

The Fray is also a favourite band. This song is perfect in the middle for me. And the other 2 artists are great artists, but their music doesn't push me as much as I need later on, so they get first pickings.

I'm hoping to hit 5K by mid-November. I don't know how much more pushing I will do. That's a really long workout past 5K, and unless I develop a solid and divine love for running, I hardly think more than that is worth it.

I just need something to uncover these abs of steel from the good ole days.

Changes...Always

Changes are such a part of life. Seasons, moving, families expanding, families shrinking, jobs, pets, vehicles, relationships. It's all so simplistic looking from the outside, but there is always so much involved on the inside.

What a season of change it has been. I have been seriously low, and now I've begun to crawl out of my wintery cave that I've been hibernating in, hoping the storm will blow over.

My husband and I love fall. The colours; oranges, golds, reds. They just rip through the skyline and insist in us breathing in their beauty. Suddenly the thickest of trees have depth and intrigue that they didn't have before with their bright green leaves. It's change. And it's beautiful.

Over the summer, the Lord has been exposing things, shutting doors and switching my mindset. It's been a really difficult summer and early fall. We had dreams of building a house, dreams of moving, dreams of selling old things and dreams of paying off debt. We had a plan. Oh, boy did we have a plan. So did the Lord. I really wish sometimes I would compare plans BEFORE going ahead with ours. It's a lot more simple that way. I'm thankful for Grace, because without it, the crashing down from pride would leave a lot more than just the skinned knees and bloodied hands. Instead of losing my life, I have a few wounds to heal up, but I'm better for them.

So while our dreams are on hold, we are waiting for the Lord's dreams to come to fulfillment. His dreams for us are always better for us; we just don't like waiting for them.

What? Wait on the Lord? ....um, I'm pretty sure I can get this done quicker.

That thought is usually hit with a screeching halt and more than a few stubbed toes and mumbled words of frustration.

I run into brick walls when I try to force things. Oh, I'm also one of those who lives in dreamworld illusion where I think I AM making progress, and then I realize that this really isn't where I wanted to be anyway.

Always better just to wait. God once responded to one of my prayers by saying "I can give you this now, but you won't get what I have waiting for you down the road". Hm. Well, He ALWAYS has something better waiting down the road. I have to put down my instant gratification (anyone who knows me knows that is such a stumbling block for me...hello sales on electronics...yes. I do need that right now...) and wait.

So all of this is related to change because I am 1) learning to wait and 2) waiting with the intent of listening.

And now to switch gears, but staying in the context of change: I'm seeing the need to change myself. We are all in the process of change. Everything in our environment is indicative to change. I listed a few things in the beginning that we are all exposed to. I've realized that over that past couple years, I haven't been flexible to change. Rather, I've been a stick in the mud. A lot of things have been pushing me to change, and it hasn't done any good to me. When you don't change, when you don't move with it, and grow with it and discover what you could do with it, you grow old. You get old in your spirit and your heart. You know what old looks like right? That's the elderly guy who spits, throws his food and yells at all the youngsters who are trying to have some healthy fun. That's OLD. That is wrinkly, ugly and disgusting.

You know what isn't old? The elderly couple gently holding hands as they walk through the park laughing about their grandkids. That's young and soft, and flexible. That's love, that is beauty and that is kindness. That, is remaining open to CHANGE. Moving with what life hands you and loving anyway.

I'm heading down the ugly path. I can see it. Sure, I laugh and keep some pieces of the young within me, but I tell you...if you don't take the ugly out (even if it's just a touch), it will swell like a cancer within you and eat all the young. I'm not really ready for that.

So since I see that bit of ugly within me, I'm on a path to change.

I couldn't figure out why in June I started changing my hair. My hair has been black for almost 5 years, and changing it to blonde seemed like a strange thing to do. People asked me what brought it on...I had no idea. I just knew it needed to be done. Now I can see it's a symbolic move. I'm changing, and I'm making it obvious. I can feel it within me too. The Lord is gracious, and He is kind. He has been revealing things about me over the summer and so like I said, it hasn't been an easy summer. But it's also now fall.

My leaves are changing. They are turning from a solid green into golds, oranges and reds. They are creating depth within me and they are beautiful. Learning to move within this will require different moves than I'm used to. But I like it. It's like dancing. It's discovering new things, lovely things. It feels like my eyes get to see things a little brighter, a little clearer. It's wonderful.

So like a surgeon removing an unwanted substance from a body, the Lord has had to cut me right open. He gives His anesthetic in loving breaths, but He also uses a pretty sharp knife. He has given me another chance to live.

And like every person given a new chance to live, He also gives a new chance to change. He really is beautiful, isn't He?