Kind of a gloomy day. Supposed to warm up, but the rain is threatening. Not that I mind. I have no plans today other than trying to get my house to resemble a home.

Sometimes I get unsettled. I get impatient. I get...squirrelly. I get jealous. I want what other people have. I want more things. I want less stress.

Yesterday as I was cleaning up my kitchen after supper, my husband was making noise and a mess in the basement as he worked diligently and faithfully on our future 2nd bathroom. My daughter was watching an episode of Glee at top volume (to hear over the noise of her daddy's workmanship), and the dogs were chasing each other around our 950 sq foot home, knocking over chairs, pillows and growling like they meant it. And I was just thankful in that space.

I have a home that my hubby gives me free reins to decorate as I like. And even though I can fall prey to the lures of Pinterest and Houzz and long for things that take a lifetime to be able to afford, I am still very happy with what I have.

We live in a beautiful space. We have a huge backyard with a large deck. We have trees. And we have work. I'm blessed that my husband loves to have me at home rather in an office (though if I wanted to be in one, he would never think twice about supporting me). I get to sit on the deck during nice days and think, dream and ponder.

I take my role as stay at home wife seriously, and aim to make sure clothes are washed, and folded and supper isn't just made, but homemade and fresh and on time. But I'm so thankful I get to do that! I'm blessed to be loved, and loved well. I know what it feels like to not be loved well, and now understanding that my husband deems me worthy of more love he can give (but tries his darndest), messes with my head somedays.

I have good kids. My stepson works hard and appreciates me. My daughter adores me and is simply lovely. My dogs...well...I have dogs. And they are ridiculous. But I always wanted dogs...and now I have them.

I fear sometimes that the hope of something more, can create a gaping hole of wants and false needs.

But I also don't want to get stuck where we don't think we are worthy of better. I don't believe in settling and I do believe in working hard for what you want.

I just need to learn to say "look where I've come from", and then say "I love where I am" without compromising when I say "and that's where I'm going".

I'm such an all or nothing person. I'm  in or out. I'm up or down.

There is no middle ground. There is no moderation. Oh, I preach moderation, because I know it's always for the best...

But I'm not like that at all.

Go on a diet? Okay. I'll never eat chocolate again. Ten days later...CHOCOLATE!!!! And then it's all shot. The diet is over. I'll never go on another diet.

Keep up with chores? Okay. I'll spring clean once a week, and maintain the heck out of my house. Five days later....SCREW IT! It's going to get messy anyway. I can't keep up!! That's it. Spring cleaning is for over achievers.

Anyone relate?

I'm working really hard (honest!) on changing my attitude.

When my hubby wanted to start eating better to slim down in time for summer, I, as per usual, went nutso. Out go the unhealthy foods, and only the good stuff is allowed.

Well, I blogged about my latest falls into the ground. I'm pretty sure I could have just been digging my own graves during that entire time in anticipation of my sure-to-fail, high-achieving, impossible quests.

I'm the best person to create goals that I simply can't reach. I want to push myself. I want to achieve what can't be achieved. Yet, for 31 years, I can't meet the goals and expectations I set for myself. I know this. I really do. I just keep doing it.

I am doing better. I'm recovering. I'm nursing the only thing that really got hurt in that fiasco. And that would be my pride.

I have in the past couple weeks created 5 weeks of meal plans and grocery lists. All with healthy (not impossible) eating. Heathy eating is a challenge for us because we like to celebrate. We celebrate everything. And we celebrate everything with food. So the day to day eating isn't the unhealthy part. My recipes are all from scratch and contain a good combo of veggies and meat and starch. It's the after supper eating that we are the worst at! And that actually is just a habit to break.

It took a lot of work. Over 2 days of work actually. I set aside everything else (all or nothing), and got the meal plans done. Summer is on its way and, our business, which works primarily on weekends is picking up. Weekend meals aren't something I can be bothered with during our season. So my meal plans contain:

-premaking meals Monday-Wednesday for the weekend
-baking bread on Thursdays for the weekend
-more labour intensive meals Monday-Thursday (labour intensive is an exaggeration)
-1 protein, 1 starch, 2 veggies in each meal

We are in the middle of Week 2 on the list and it's going very smoothly. I have other plans I want to implement but I'm really holding myself back. I want to:

-keep my house up to date
-exercise regularly not to lose weight (read previous post. That's over), but to enjoy it

Remember how I'm all or nothing? Right. So I'm going to master this meal plan thing first. Then I'll start tackling the exercise. Then I'll start tackling the house.

So far what I've discovered when I'm all or nothing is:

-I get stressed out beyond all reason
-my husband pays the price with my stress
-my kids don't have a clue why I'm stressed
-I don't get done what I want to and then I get depressed
-the journey isn't one anyone wants to join me on

So what's my payoff? I don't know! I obviously am getting one because I keep doing it. Over and over again. Maybe I get a high off of my lists that I make. And then when I make some progress (ie 2 days of success), I get excited. My husband gives me sympathy when I fail...maybe that's like a narcotic for me.

We don't do things that we don't get a payoff for. Maybe the sense of failure is reassuring to me. Maybe it's just assurance of what I knew when I made the list. Hm.

It's a disease and a habit. It drives my hubby crazy. He always says "stop over committing yourself" or "you are one person" or "stop making those crazy lists with the timeframes".

And I always say "oh, it's not that much" or "I can do it!" or "wwaaaaah...I'm SO stressed!!!"

Yeah. Something has gotta change. So I'm going to work very hard on reining myself in.

I did start running again (hush you. I'm not overcommitting. I just have started running because I missed it. No pressure to do it everyday or maintain a schedule. Meal schedules only right now), and I think I'll end this post with a couple of my latest additions to my running list:

Walk the Moon - Jenny (seriously check these guys out. I really love their music. I also have their Tightrope on my running list. Good album all around.)

Michael Franti - I'm Alive (my hubby downloaded this and it ended up in my running list. When it came on I figured I'd run through it, and now it's a song that makes me smile every time.)


Have a wonderful Wednesday!