Advent Activity Calendar Complete!

Alright, so I dedicated my day to this little project. Those who are crafty could have mastered this in about 2 hours, I'm sure, but I had to put my whole day aside.

BUT...

IT IS DONE!


So, to reiterate my post a little while ago, I saw this on a lovely blog, and I wanted to do something similar (aka exactly the same).

This is where I was several days ago:

I organized everything on a Business Card template in Pages, so I didn't have to muss around with such nonsense like cells, or boxes or whatever they are all called. This gave me symmetry. Something I like.

Then I attacked them with a papercutter and a scrapbooking Corner Edger. It made my corners very pretty and not so homemade looking.

Aren't they pretty now?

Then I took number 3 coin envelopes and did minor decorating on each one, marking the advent days on each one.

I went through our personal calendar, and figured out which activities would be best each day. As we only have my husband's boy 1/2 the time, I wanted to make sure he got to take part in some of the ones I think he'd find most memorable. Some of the events were time based and only landed on certain dates (like the LIVE Bethlehem we wanted to take part of this year where a church uses like people/animals/sets to relive the events of Christmas), so I didn't have much of an option as to who got to all take part in it. And other activities that were small (unwrap a special ornament and put it on the tree), could land on days where we had a family gathering planned, or a Christmas concert scheduled, or the like.

Then I loaded up the envelopes, and I tossed them into my favourite mexican bowl. I don't have a fancy display for the cards, and I'm not crafty enough to sew one, or create one. So I figured this would be good enough!

And now....we wait. I'm hoping the kids enjoy it. I think it'll be fun, and create memories, and give lots of photo opportunities. As I look back at my picture collections, it makes me sad that 1) I haven't taken enough pictures and 2) the kids are growing up way too quickly.

But that's my attempt at the advent calendar. I hope that you can gleam some of your own ideas off of it, and have some fun with it!

Step Stumbling

Nowadays there are piles upon piles of books on stepparenting, or marrying a man with children. There are manuals and methods on how to "blend" your family, and how to nurture your marriage past the swarm of unrelated children.

I could use a step by step book on finding your place.

Did you know the most common thread throughout these books is not knowing where you stand in the relationships?

The Christmas Deal (as I'll refer to it from here on in as), really put me in a spin. Sometimes I think I get a handle on where my place is. This one threw me for a loop. I've been hashing it out in my brain for the past few days and trying to figure out what all is such a struggle for me.

1) My husband considers me the lesser of two evils. Either I'm mad at him, or his ex-wife is mad at him. I've sworn marriage till death (though at this rate may come sooner than anticipated), and so, although I have the potential to make his life a little more like hell for a while, eventually I'll get over it. I love him. He knows this. This moves me into the "lesser" evil category. His ex? She'll make his life absolute hell. She has this down to an art. So he will pick her preferences over mine if that's what it comes down to. My "pros" can't compare to her "cons".

2) Where does this leave me? We have 4 more years of him picking her preferences over mine. Do I stop offering my words of advice? Do I bother having an opinion? What's my role in this? He will always ask my opinion, but do I give it?

I do want my heart to be right in this. I don't want to be an old bag muttering under my breath for the next 4 years. I really want to define something for myself. I mull and wrestle through things until I can find a concrete answer, and I've spent the last 4 years trying to get that concrete to dry. It's still soft and mushy, and there's way too much water in the mixture.

Do I shelve myself for the next 4 years, and then when their boy is 18, get to have an opinion? I don't know. I don't want to be 100% one way, or 100% another way. My way or the highway (as I usually am...I'm discovering I'm horribly black and white.) isn't really what works.

What an internal fight!

I know 2 things for sure.

1) I'm to be my husband's wife. There is no abandoning ship here.

2) I'm to be the mother of my child. She might be my saving grace here. I can pour into her while I figure the rest of this marble garble out.

But as for the definition of me and my stepson's relationship - I haven't figured that out. As for the place of my heart when we deal with schedules and such - it's dark and needs the Lord desperately.

Can someone write a book and say "this is what you do when...." or "this is what you say when..."? That would be a God-send!

Because I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

In the meantime, I'll work on putting my efforts into household chores, crafts, and budgets. There's got to be lightbulb moment coming up soon.

Christmas is 37 Sleeps Away

Amazing hey? Is it just me, or is this season sneaking upon us like a lion stalking a gazelle? I hardly noticed it coming, and now I am going to run like the dickens to prepare for it!

It is official, that my husband's ex has changed Christmas plans. It's very hard to swallow as it now affects my family (parents), my traditions (daughter) and my own heart (resentment).

But since I either have to change with the plan, as I really have no say, or I can rail against the change and not enjoy my Christmas as it's now dictated to me.

Adapt or be miserable.

I do intend on being miserable for a while. I'm enjoying my sulking and I have no desire to paint on a happy face or excitedly change traditions that have been in my families for over ten years due to one woman who needs to get her way.

I want MY way. Funny how we are as people, right?

So in my pity party, I've started a project that I saw on Pinterest some time ago. It's an activity advent calendar. The concept is simply to not just have a chocolate to eat every day till Christmas as our Advent Calendars in the stores provide, but to have something to do together to help build memories. I do like memories. And I do like building them.

Nothing seems to fill our kids up more than doing something as a family.

Here's the link that I first stumbled across this:

http://kimmccrary.blogspot.ca/2010/12/activities-advent.html

I won't take credit for coming up with the idea. It's way too smart for me to have come up with on my own, but I will run with it. It's such a great plan!

So this morning, I started to plan and organize activities and put them on some card stock.

I came across one stumbling block, and that is cutting the activities apart. I created them as "business cards" on Pages, so they would all be uniform and I wouldn't have to put a whole bunch of effort in to create my own boxes for my words. The business cards are the perfect size, and I was able to have fun with the font, and be assured that they would all be uniform sizes.

I'll need to pick up a paper cutter this week, to finish up separating the activities. I am way too much of a perfectionist to even risk cutting the stock paper with wavy lines.

But this is as far as I got today:

I'm using my evil energy for good. It's really nice to be able to work on a project for the family, even when I'm feeling very distant from family. It'll all come together yet at some point. I'll cool down, and life will continue to go on and be good and wonderful. And the bonus is that I'll have a project done that I would have wanted to get done to begin with! I'll update this project when I get it finished. Hopefully before December 1!

And so I'll end with: the sun is still in the sky, the dogs still lick my toes, and I still like Bailey's in my coffee.

Week of Celebrations

*Yawn

I am feeling lazy for the past couple of days. My birthday was on Sunday. My husband and daughter made for a wonderful celebration. I had a chai tea latte with a shot of Bailey's first thing in the morning, followed by a glorious cinnamon waffle breakfast completed with a Mimosa. Rocco's Pizzeria Manager's Special in the evening, with a movie. It was glorious. I relaxed, my husband took care of everything including maintaining a clean kitchen, serving me hand and foot, and it was wonderful.

Today is our 3 year wedding anniversary. Celebrations today include a "happy anniversary" text first thing in the morning to each other, getting our daughter to public skate in the evening, and racing to my step-son's volleyball game.

Not really romantic, hey?

I'm not too disappointed, because I have to remember that this is real life. The world doesn't stop for birthdays (most of the time), anniversaries, and people's special occasions. Everyone has moments in their life that they have to stop, breathe, say they are taking in the moment, and then rush off to whatever kid function, or crazy moment they were in the middle of.

So with that being remembered, I simply pass a message onto my husband:

I'm thrilled to celebrate 3 marriage years with the most amazing, sexy, kind, man of God. I'm proud to say you are my husband. I'm honored to say I am your wife. You have treasured my heart, provided safety for my growth and given rest to my struggle. You offer your strength without hesitation, your covering without resentment and your protection without resistance. You are my beloved and I am yours. I love you!

And now, I must be off to exercise, clean the bathroom, and wash the floors! And they say romance is dead!

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” ― Groucho Marx

I cannot believe how much time has passed since my last post. I seem to only post during the week (as I'm all home alone, I can run my music as loud as I'd like, talk to myself, and find the best time to blog without interruption), so that quickly narrows down my days.

It's been a good week. And it's been a bad week. But I would say, (as a friend of mine has said) since I have the Holy Spirit on my side, my week has been good.

Do you ever have a cracking moment? I do on occasion. Things are good. Really good. You're making progress in your mind, your heart, your physical, your spiritual...and then...

CRASH.

One thing. Just one simple thing can do it to me. I'm sure it's not just one simple thing. It's probably an accumulation of several things, but I usually can attribute it to one thing. Then I'll be as mad as hell about it, and then get over it and life goes on to being good.

We have all kinds of dynamics in our family. Wonderful dynamics? Um....I'm praying about my heart changing on that one. Currently, they are not wonderful. But they are also not going away any time soon.

The short version is this:

I was married previously. I have a child from that marriage. My ex-husband has no contact with my daughter and I. Recently my husband's adoption (of my daughter) was approved. (hurrah!)

My husband was married previously. He has a child from that marriage. He has 50/50 custody. His ex-wife has proven herself a thorn in our sides. By the Grace of the Lord, I'll state that I'm sure she can be nice. However, it has not been evident in our dealings with her. Things are often tense. Simple boundaries are not recognized let alone respected, and I've been called a few things previously not ever been called (to my face anyway...or to my husband's face rather).

It has been a very stretching trial to go through. My heart has been torn in so many directions. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I want to scream. And sometimes, I just shut down and decide that I'm not going to feel anything because feeling something requires energy, and I'm plumb out of it.

It's put my husband and I on different planes somedays. Not that he disagrees with me. His marriage to her was tumultuous at best and we'll say nicely that fidelity was apparently not fully explained to her. He understands dealing with her is rough and painful. Schedules are always being moved around, I can't plan things ahead on certain days and even things that are set in stone....really aren't.

It's a maddening carousal, and somedays I get so spun around that I just vomit. I can't stomach it somedays. I can work with reason. I have a heck of a time working with silliness or illogic.

And this time it was regarding the Christmas schedule. The one thing that always remains the same. It's in the court agreement. She insisted on setting it up how she wanted it originally, and it has stayed that way for 10-12 years. She has whined about it for the past couple years; saying it isn't fair. but this year she is forcefully requesting a change of schedules.

So I crashed. Hard.

I first offered my suggestions to my husband. I offered different scenarios that could work, but I really didn't want to move our traditional Christmas plans. (I can be a stick in the mud - I will give anyone that. I like having plans and knowing what to expect. Plus I have treasured traditions that I've had since I was a kid and passed them onto my daughter. We like tradition.). I remained in a very good head space. Then there was more texting from her. And more pushing.

And I withdrew. And then, when I sucked in all the pain, sorrow, and grief into the heart of me, I blew it all into the face of the one person who I love the most dearly.

My husband.

Oh. I railed. That poor man has the patience of a monk. He is amazing. And I felt so horrible afterwards. I thought of it after and realized I wanted him to feel the same pain that I am struggling through. I'm completely lost in this area, and I wanted him to FEEL it. He listens to it (more than he really gets credit for), but I wanted him to feel it.

I made him feel something, but it wasn't my pain. It was his own, as his wife reamed on him for things that are out of his control.

We made up, and I asked for forgiveness which he gave (in my opinion), too quickly and without strings. But I feel marked. I feel like I crossed over something in which I should never have crossed. We don't fight much in our relationship. We actually try to work things out like smart and healthy adults. Although, I kinda skipped that part, time travelled backwards and threw a temper tantrum like a toddler whose blocks had just been knocked over.

Seriously. That's the closest image I can possible muster to show you my immaturity. If you can picture that, just replace the screaming kid face with a screaming adult face. Not pretty, is it?

But what it also pushed me into was a different sort of grief. It pushed me into a painful, remorseful grief, that made me weep. I love, LOVE, my husband with my entire heart. He is the kindest man I have ever had the pleasure to meet. And if I have met kinder, I will not admit to it, because I'm positive my husband is the kindest. He is kinda the Hallmark card of men (but much more manly). He says the things I need to hear, he backs me up with I need the strength, he guards my heart and he covers me.

And I verbally vomited all over him. I got off that carousel and...blech.

I sat on our couch downstairs after my workout the next day. And I thought of the impact that had on me and how much I mourned it.

And then I came to a realization about the Lord (as my husband stands a human and less perfect version of my Heavenly Man). Why do I not grieve the same way when I grieve His heart? The Lord loves me infinitely more than my husband does (which means I can't fathom it at all). And yet, when I say things, or throw my temper tantrums, or behave badly towards Him and His love....I don't mourn the same way.

It should impact me the same, if not more-so, as this did.

So I asked the Lord to teach me more about loving Him. If I want to experience the same impact from my sin on my own behaviour, then I must love Him MORE. I do love the Lord. I want to obey Him, and listen, and do the things He asks of me. But when I don't do them, I don't grieve.

And He responded by saying that in order for me to love Him more, I need to KNOW Him more. I need to know who He is, what He likes, what He doesn't like.

It's like when you're dating someone and you are looking forward to falling in love and getting to know this person you are awkwardly sitting across from. You have to spend more time with someone to get to know them. You have to ask them questions. You have to be willing to answer their questions. You have to listen. You have to talk. You have to be you. You have to learn how to love that person. You can't fully love someone in the true essence of the word, without KNOWING them.

So in the midst of a horrible mistake on my part, God is using it (what was meant for evil) for good. I love how He does that.

In the beginning of my week it was a struggle, but now I know there is purpose, and I'm really looking forward to falling in love (again) with my Saviour, and my Friend. My God.

Love

I came across this quote early this week on Pinterest. I found it sad, but I couldn't figure out exactly why. I pondered it and thought upon it. 

When I run, I have thoughts that work their way through my brain like water runs through a sponge. Some stays, and some trickles out. This one took some time, but it finally worked its way out.

Love. In today's day and age (and perhaps in years before, but I never recognized it nor was told of it from my parents' "time"), the word love is used too much to describe too many things. I'm guilty of it as anyone. Love is tossed around like it's worth pennies and people don't recognize the value of invested love. 

Love is diagnosed publicly as a few simple feelings: sweaty palms, heart flutters, top of the world mind state. It's whimsical, and a whirlwind. It's to be followed no matter the consequence.

We hear it's worth fighting for, but do we actually take this into account when old love is faced with new love?

I love my husband. I've loved him for a mere 4 years. It's the longest I've ever loved anyone (other than my family and my daughter). Do I love him the same way as I did when I met him? No, I don't. Do I still get those fluttery, butterfly feelings? Sometimes.

If I would open myself up and look outside my marriage, I'm very confident that I could find those feelings. But those aren't love. Those are the starts of love. Those are the enticing thrills that draw us into love. Those are not by definition love. Those are fleeting. 

I adore my husband. I adore him in a different way than a woman swoons over the looks of a handsome man. I adore the way he tells stories. I adore the little things about him. The things I had to take the time to discover. Certain things he says make me laugh, not because they are necessarily funny, but because they betray the nerd within him. I can anticipate his reactions and I can plan surprises for him that I have no doubt he will like. I can reveal my heart and have no fear of betrayal. I can cry, and he will hold me. I can rant, and he will listen. I can strive, and he'll tell me to relax. I know things. And I know love. I know him. And he knows me. He can feel me disappear when I get frustrated. He can see in my eyes when I've had enough. He can see in my eyes when I'm overflowing with admiration towards him. He can anticipate my needs, and he is my rock when I'm weak. He is my hero, and he is my provider.

This is love.

On one hand, the whirlwind, the quick heartbeats, the unknown is intoxicating. It's a remarkable rush of emotions. It's a thrill. But there is something that is wonderful about knowing someone so intimately that they know you better than yourself and you them. Comfortable is not the right word. Comforting, maybe. 

It's kinda like life is this wicked storm outside your window. And you are safe. Wrapped in a blanket with a warm cup of tea and a wonderful book. You are safe. The storm will rage on, and may bang against the window. But you are safe.

I guess simply put, the quote "Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second" leans on a world logic that is sad and misled. Love changes over time. Love matures. Love moves from racing heartbeats, to two steady hearts beating as one. Love sweeps us off our feet, and into each others' arms. Love isn't cut and dry as loving one person more. 

If you fall for the second one, you've simply not learned how to either identify the different types of love, or you're too immature to recognize the value of it. 

And what are you doing looking outside your love?

Love is a garden, and it'll grow however you tend to it. You and only you are responsible for your garden. If you take the time, you'll reap a harvest. And I promise it'll be the most amazing thing you've ever had the chance to taste.

So do I love my husband the same as 4 years ago? I answered "no" and I stand by that. 

I don't love him the same. 

I love him more.