What Makes You Beautiful?

I suffer from low self-esteem among many other ailments.

I am human, as everyone else seems to be, and I suffer from a thing called lack of belief in myself.

I think it's sad really. I think it's sad not only for me, but the more people who I discover to be human, the more common the ailment seems to be.

Low self-esteem has caused me to make some very bad choices in life.

Take my marriage to my first husband. Yikes! I was terrified that no one else would love me. So instead of saying "well, if no one else loves me, I'll still be better off" I got married out of a fear that I was unloveable. I married into a very abusive, and destructive relationship. I simply married fear. And fear is not something you want to be married to.

During the time of my marriage, I lost whatever self-esteem I had squirrelled away. I lost my hope, and I lost who I was.

We separated for a short time in between cohabitation spats and I went for counseling. That proved to be one of the best decisions of my life. Although I went back to my first husband for another 7 or so months (he gave up his girlfriend for me. Awwww...), I did discover the fire that burns in my belly. I discovered who I was again. Just a glimpse, but that glimpse was all I needed.

I called the cops during the last incident. I braced myself for the consequences. And I have grown better from them. I cried a lot during those years. I fought for my strength, as ironic as that sounds. And I discovered that I'm braver, stronger and...loveable.

The Lord had His hands full with healing me and restoring me. After 5 years of being single, working on my heart and working towards a future, the Lord brought the most amazing man into my life. That was almost 4 years ago. I'm very thrilled to say that he is my husband now and we've really enjoyed 3 blissful years of marriage. He is stunning. In spirit, in mind and in body. He is phenomenal. He is a good, good man.

Don't worry...I am getting somewhere with this history lesson. My sweet husband is very saddened though by what I call my "lack". I wish I could for one moment see myself through his eyes. He told me last night that I would be a lot freer in every aspect if I could only get a glimpse of what he saw.

I have come a LONG way from the 18 year old who was so terrified that everything she held was worthless.

I, however, have a much longer way to go.

I still struggle with my body (despite my husband's obvious desire for it). I struggle with my personality (despite my husband's admiration) and I struggle for my destiny (despite my husband's encouragement). Why do I struggle so much with this simple statement:

I am beautiful.

Beauty encompasses so much more than physical, although it does include that. Beauty is how you hold yourself, how you react, how you deal, how you walk, how you breathe. Beauty is such an intricate part of being a woman. Women were created for beauty (read "Captivating - by John & Stasi Eldredge". Amazing book. My husband read it too and he said it was really insightful though because it's written for women in "woman talk", can prove a tough read for men. I haven't read it in years, but can't imagine my remembrance of how good it was would change.)

If women were created for beauty, and I am a woman, simple deducing will come to the conclusion that I was created for beauty. And if I was created for beauty, that must mean that hidden underneath all my scars, masks and coverup...is BEAUTY.

My husband knows this already. I don't. But I decided that I'm going to try. I'm going to discover what kind of beauty I'm created to show. Every women is different. I won't portray the same type of beauty as my friends. We each are individuals. We each hold a key to a different aspect of beauty. My mission is to not only discover what makes me beautiful, but to walk in it and to start reflecting what the Lord created me to reflect.

My mission (and I choose to accept it), is to discover what I find makes me feel beautiful. It's an interesting concept. But if I find what makes me feel beautiful, I'm more able to act beautiful.

Here are a couple of things that I find lights up my heart:

- running. Not really during. Not directly after. But about 45 minutes after my workout shower is over, and my temperature returns to a decent state, I feel proud of myself. I feel strong. I feel like not everything is impossible. It changes my mind's state and makes me move into a place of conquering. That makes me beautiful.

-flowers. My husband doesn't buy my flowers (shush your gasping). I'm not a gifts person. So him buying me flowers doesn't mean that much to me. Instead, he comes home with the newest Sims 3 expansion pack and gets handsomely rewarded in ways only a wife can reward a husband. Trust me. He knows me. But flowers are beautiful and they can make a house feel beautiful. As it's my job to take care of the house (I just became a "stay at home mom". All you feminists can untie your panties from that comment about it being my job. It really is my job.), I want the house to feel beautiful. The house feels beautiful with flowers. A couple years ago I started on a garden in the front with perennials. I'm not a gardener by any means so it's a work in progress, however. When I walk onto my yard and see the flowers, it makes me feel beautiful. I bought superstore flowers the other day while in the checkout and put them on the table. They match perfectly with our wall colours. It makes me happy every time I pass them now. They make me smile. That smile radiates right down to the core of my heart and lights it up. It makes me beautiful.

-baking. This doesn't make my waist beautiful, but it makes my household happy. I'm a good baker. I have the "touch". I'm good at it. And I know it. And knowing that I'm good at something and successfully completing it, makes me feel beautiful.

-music. Playing it and writing it. I put it on the back burner for several years. I forgot about it. But I love music. I love the sounds and the feelings it can create in my heart. It is love. It is beauty.

So with a few things in my arsenal (and many more things to discover), I can implement some of these things into my days. It makes my heart happier. And if my heart is happier, the rest of me is more relaxed. If I'm relaxed and my heart is happy, I naturally become more beautiful in how I hold myself, how I react, how I deal, how I walk, how I breathe.

What makes you beautiful?