Changes...Always

Changes are such a part of life. Seasons, moving, families expanding, families shrinking, jobs, pets, vehicles, relationships. It's all so simplistic looking from the outside, but there is always so much involved on the inside.

What a season of change it has been. I have been seriously low, and now I've begun to crawl out of my wintery cave that I've been hibernating in, hoping the storm will blow over.

My husband and I love fall. The colours; oranges, golds, reds. They just rip through the skyline and insist in us breathing in their beauty. Suddenly the thickest of trees have depth and intrigue that they didn't have before with their bright green leaves. It's change. And it's beautiful.

Over the summer, the Lord has been exposing things, shutting doors and switching my mindset. It's been a really difficult summer and early fall. We had dreams of building a house, dreams of moving, dreams of selling old things and dreams of paying off debt. We had a plan. Oh, boy did we have a plan. So did the Lord. I really wish sometimes I would compare plans BEFORE going ahead with ours. It's a lot more simple that way. I'm thankful for Grace, because without it, the crashing down from pride would leave a lot more than just the skinned knees and bloodied hands. Instead of losing my life, I have a few wounds to heal up, but I'm better for them.

So while our dreams are on hold, we are waiting for the Lord's dreams to come to fulfillment. His dreams for us are always better for us; we just don't like waiting for them.

What? Wait on the Lord? ....um, I'm pretty sure I can get this done quicker.

That thought is usually hit with a screeching halt and more than a few stubbed toes and mumbled words of frustration.

I run into brick walls when I try to force things. Oh, I'm also one of those who lives in dreamworld illusion where I think I AM making progress, and then I realize that this really isn't where I wanted to be anyway.

Always better just to wait. God once responded to one of my prayers by saying "I can give you this now, but you won't get what I have waiting for you down the road". Hm. Well, He ALWAYS has something better waiting down the road. I have to put down my instant gratification (anyone who knows me knows that is such a stumbling block for me...hello sales on electronics...yes. I do need that right now...) and wait.

So all of this is related to change because I am 1) learning to wait and 2) waiting with the intent of listening.

And now to switch gears, but staying in the context of change: I'm seeing the need to change myself. We are all in the process of change. Everything in our environment is indicative to change. I listed a few things in the beginning that we are all exposed to. I've realized that over that past couple years, I haven't been flexible to change. Rather, I've been a stick in the mud. A lot of things have been pushing me to change, and it hasn't done any good to me. When you don't change, when you don't move with it, and grow with it and discover what you could do with it, you grow old. You get old in your spirit and your heart. You know what old looks like right? That's the elderly guy who spits, throws his food and yells at all the youngsters who are trying to have some healthy fun. That's OLD. That is wrinkly, ugly and disgusting.

You know what isn't old? The elderly couple gently holding hands as they walk through the park laughing about their grandkids. That's young and soft, and flexible. That's love, that is beauty and that is kindness. That, is remaining open to CHANGE. Moving with what life hands you and loving anyway.

I'm heading down the ugly path. I can see it. Sure, I laugh and keep some pieces of the young within me, but I tell you...if you don't take the ugly out (even if it's just a touch), it will swell like a cancer within you and eat all the young. I'm not really ready for that.

So since I see that bit of ugly within me, I'm on a path to change.

I couldn't figure out why in June I started changing my hair. My hair has been black for almost 5 years, and changing it to blonde seemed like a strange thing to do. People asked me what brought it on...I had no idea. I just knew it needed to be done. Now I can see it's a symbolic move. I'm changing, and I'm making it obvious. I can feel it within me too. The Lord is gracious, and He is kind. He has been revealing things about me over the summer and so like I said, it hasn't been an easy summer. But it's also now fall.

My leaves are changing. They are turning from a solid green into golds, oranges and reds. They are creating depth within me and they are beautiful. Learning to move within this will require different moves than I'm used to. But I like it. It's like dancing. It's discovering new things, lovely things. It feels like my eyes get to see things a little brighter, a little clearer. It's wonderful.

So like a surgeon removing an unwanted substance from a body, the Lord has had to cut me right open. He gives His anesthetic in loving breaths, but He also uses a pretty sharp knife. He has given me another chance to live.

And like every person given a new chance to live, He also gives a new chance to change. He really is beautiful, isn't He?