Step Stumbling

Nowadays there are piles upon piles of books on stepparenting, or marrying a man with children. There are manuals and methods on how to "blend" your family, and how to nurture your marriage past the swarm of unrelated children.

I could use a step by step book on finding your place.

Did you know the most common thread throughout these books is not knowing where you stand in the relationships?

The Christmas Deal (as I'll refer to it from here on in as), really put me in a spin. Sometimes I think I get a handle on where my place is. This one threw me for a loop. I've been hashing it out in my brain for the past few days and trying to figure out what all is such a struggle for me.

1) My husband considers me the lesser of two evils. Either I'm mad at him, or his ex-wife is mad at him. I've sworn marriage till death (though at this rate may come sooner than anticipated), and so, although I have the potential to make his life a little more like hell for a while, eventually I'll get over it. I love him. He knows this. This moves me into the "lesser" evil category. His ex? She'll make his life absolute hell. She has this down to an art. So he will pick her preferences over mine if that's what it comes down to. My "pros" can't compare to her "cons".

2) Where does this leave me? We have 4 more years of him picking her preferences over mine. Do I stop offering my words of advice? Do I bother having an opinion? What's my role in this? He will always ask my opinion, but do I give it?

I do want my heart to be right in this. I don't want to be an old bag muttering under my breath for the next 4 years. I really want to define something for myself. I mull and wrestle through things until I can find a concrete answer, and I've spent the last 4 years trying to get that concrete to dry. It's still soft and mushy, and there's way too much water in the mixture.

Do I shelve myself for the next 4 years, and then when their boy is 18, get to have an opinion? I don't know. I don't want to be 100% one way, or 100% another way. My way or the highway (as I usually am...I'm discovering I'm horribly black and white.) isn't really what works.

What an internal fight!

I know 2 things for sure.

1) I'm to be my husband's wife. There is no abandoning ship here.

2) I'm to be the mother of my child. She might be my saving grace here. I can pour into her while I figure the rest of this marble garble out.

But as for the definition of me and my stepson's relationship - I haven't figured that out. As for the place of my heart when we deal with schedules and such - it's dark and needs the Lord desperately.

Can someone write a book and say "this is what you do when...." or "this is what you say when..."? That would be a God-send!

Because I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

In the meantime, I'll work on putting my efforts into household chores, crafts, and budgets. There's got to be lightbulb moment coming up soon.