I cannot believe how much time has passed since my last post. I seem to only post during the week (as I'm all home alone, I can run my music as loud as I'd like, talk to myself, and find the best time to blog without interruption), so that quickly narrows down my days.
It's been a good week. And it's been a bad week. But I would say, (as a friend of mine has said) since I have the Holy Spirit on my side, my week has been good.
Do you ever have a cracking moment? I do on occasion. Things are good. Really good. You're making progress in your mind, your heart, your physical, your spiritual...and then...
CRASH.
One thing. Just one simple thing can do it to me. I'm sure it's not just one simple thing. It's probably an accumulation of several things, but I usually can attribute it to one thing. Then I'll be as mad as hell about it, and then get over it and life goes on to being good.
We have all kinds of dynamics in our family. Wonderful dynamics? Um....I'm praying about my heart changing on that one. Currently, they are not wonderful. But they are also not going away any time soon.
The short version is this:
I was married previously. I have a child from that marriage. My ex-husband has no contact with my daughter and I. Recently my husband's adoption (of my daughter) was approved. (hurrah!)
My husband was married previously. He has a child from that marriage. He has 50/50 custody. His ex-wife has proven herself a thorn in our sides. By the Grace of the Lord, I'll state that I'm sure she can be nice. However, it has not been evident in our dealings with her. Things are often tense. Simple boundaries are not recognized let alone respected, and I've been called a few things previously not ever been called (to my face anyway...or to my husband's face rather).
It has been a very stretching trial to go through. My heart has been torn in so many directions. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I want to scream. And sometimes, I just shut down and decide that I'm not going to feel anything because feeling something requires energy, and I'm plumb out of it.
It's put my husband and I on different planes somedays. Not that he disagrees with me. His marriage to her was tumultuous at best and we'll say nicely that fidelity was apparently not fully explained to her. He understands dealing with her is rough and painful. Schedules are always being moved around, I can't plan things ahead on certain days and even things that are set in stone....really aren't.
It's a maddening carousal, and somedays I get so spun around that I just vomit. I can't stomach it somedays. I can work with reason. I have a heck of a time working with silliness or illogic.
And this time it was regarding the Christmas schedule. The one thing that always remains the same. It's in the court agreement. She insisted on setting it up how she wanted it originally, and it has stayed that way for 10-12 years. She has whined about it for the past couple years; saying it isn't fair. but this year she is forcefully requesting a change of schedules.
So I crashed. Hard.
I first offered my suggestions to my husband. I offered different scenarios that could work, but I really didn't want to move our traditional Christmas plans. (I can be a stick in the mud - I will give anyone that. I like having plans and knowing what to expect. Plus I have treasured traditions that I've had since I was a kid and passed them onto my daughter. We like tradition.). I remained in a very good head space. Then there was more texting from her. And more pushing.
And I withdrew. And then, when I sucked in all the pain, sorrow, and grief into the heart of me, I blew it all into the face of the one person who I love the most dearly.
My husband.
Oh. I railed. That poor man has the patience of a monk. He is amazing. And I felt so horrible afterwards. I thought of it after and realized I wanted him to feel the same pain that I am struggling through. I'm completely lost in this area, and I wanted him to FEEL it. He listens to it (more than he really gets credit for), but I wanted him to feel it.
I made him feel something, but it wasn't my pain. It was his own, as his wife reamed on him for things that are out of his control.
We made up, and I asked for forgiveness which he gave (in my opinion), too quickly and without strings. But I feel marked. I feel like I crossed over something in which I should never have crossed. We don't fight much in our relationship. We actually try to work things out like smart and healthy adults. Although, I kinda skipped that part, time travelled backwards and threw a temper tantrum like a toddler whose blocks had just been knocked over.
Seriously. That's the closest image I can possible muster to show you my immaturity. If you can picture that, just replace the screaming kid face with a screaming adult face. Not pretty, is it?
But what it also pushed me into was a different sort of grief. It pushed me into a painful, remorseful grief, that made me weep. I love, LOVE, my husband with my entire heart. He is the kindest man I have ever had the pleasure to meet. And if I have met kinder, I will not admit to it, because I'm positive my husband is the kindest. He is kinda the Hallmark card of men (but much more manly). He says the things I need to hear, he backs me up with I need the strength, he guards my heart and he covers me.
And I verbally vomited all over him. I got off that carousel and...blech.
I sat on our couch downstairs after my workout the next day. And I thought of the impact that had on me and how much I mourned it.
And then I came to a realization about the Lord (as my husband stands a human and less perfect version of my Heavenly Man). Why do I not grieve the same way when I grieve His heart? The Lord loves me infinitely more than my husband does (which means I can't fathom it at all). And yet, when I say things, or throw my temper tantrums, or behave badly towards Him and His love....I don't mourn the same way.
It should impact me the same, if not more-so, as this did.
So I asked the Lord to teach me more about loving Him. If I want to experience the same impact from my sin on my own behaviour, then I must love Him MORE. I do love the Lord. I want to obey Him, and listen, and do the things He asks of me. But when I don't do them, I don't grieve.
And He responded by saying that in order for me to love Him more, I need to KNOW Him more. I need to know who He is, what He likes, what He doesn't like.
It's like when you're dating someone and you are looking forward to falling in love and getting to know this person you are awkwardly sitting across from. You have to spend more time with someone to get to know them. You have to ask them questions. You have to be willing to answer their questions. You have to listen. You have to talk. You have to be you. You have to learn how to love that person. You can't fully love someone in the true essence of the word, without KNOWING them.
So in the midst of a horrible mistake on my part, God is using it (what was meant for evil) for good. I love how He does that.
In the beginning of my week it was a struggle, but now I know there is purpose, and I'm really looking forward to falling in love (again) with my Saviour, and my Friend. My God.
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