The first thing I did when I signed in today was clean out the cobwebs. I know. It's been forever. I fell off the wagon into the Great Depression.

Well, okay, it wasn't that bad. But it felt like a lot of things were going wrong and instead of blogging about it and getting it out of my over-congested brain, I instead left it in there to bounce around and cause more damage than good.

Instead of talking in vague terms, I'll update you on my wagon-escaping adventure.

Last May we started subdividing our lot. We have a double sized lot, that until recently (when some RM regulations got changed) we weren't able to cut in 2. There are regulations regarding how close lots and house get to be to each other. They are more stringent than in the city where I'm always appalled at neighbours being able to pass a cup of sugar between their open windows.

Our goal was to obviously subdivide and then build a house on there. Both my husband and I have owned houses before (we moved into his latest one when we got married), and they have always been solid houses, but they have always been old houses. All of our houses required renovations and it's always a process.

Seriously. When we got married, we worked it out so that while we were away on our honeymoon (part one), the mudding and taping would be done in our master bedroom, so between part 1 and part 2 of our honeymoon, we would paint and get it ready to move in to. It didn't get done as planned (as most renovation plans go) and we slept in the dining room for the first few days of marriage...with our kids walking in and out. Oh yes. Renovations have been a small thorn in our side.

A dream of ours would be to build a house from the ground up and have something that is new, and untouched.

Another desire of ours would be to have a house that we both created together. With only our memories in them, with nothing else attached. The Lord has been so faithful in providing finances to pay off old debts, and situations that helped us move from our past. It's been amazing. And we really feel that building a new house would be the final closure of the past.

So that's the background, and we were able to move the subdivision along slowly but surely. By the beginning of January our subdivision was complete and our new separate mortgage was on paper.

We began the task of pricing out a wonderful house and planning and designing it. Near the end of designing it, I needed to send the subdivision papers over to someone and on closer inspection I discovered they had our empty lot and our current lot mixed up! We had our mortgage on an empty lot and according to the papers our house had nothing owing.

Funny...but not funny. We were told the process in getting the lots corrected would take 2 weeks. Well, 2 months and counting later....we still haven't received the papers.

I lost heart and I lost heart quickly. We were on a tight time frame because 1) we had all the quotes that people had given us and they were on tight time frames 2) our busy season with our business starts in May, goes hardcore through June and September and tapers off as the weather gets colder. My husband works diligently at his full-time job, and then works so hard with our business which is mainly on weekends and building a house in there didn't seem like a smart choice. So we wanted to get the basement in (which he would take care of), and then get a framer in (which my husband could do, but we would time it over the busy season so it would be getting done) and then when things were calming down with the business, we'd finish the puppy up.

So a few weeks went by, and a month went by, then a month and a half. It just got so depressing. There was a mattress sale I was banking on to buy a new mattress, but we couldn't because nothing was moving forward (seriously...a $3000 mattress on for $1500. I cried. Really I did.). I watched as the appliances I had picked out came and went with their sales. All the preparation I had done, and all the time my husband had spent working out costs and labour...all were for naught.

Set that disappointment aside. There were 2 weeks in which my SS and I weren't happy with each other. SS and I had a disagreement over text that got misinterpreted on both our sides and fixing that took a bit of time and a wonderful husband and father to steer the ship back on course. That occupied my brain and wounded my heart for a couple weeks. I'm a touch OCD and so when something is on my brain...well, it's on my brain. It is beating the tar out of it and eating it mouthful after mouthful until I'm a touch zombified.

Then I was making progress in my weight (something I really struggle with). I worked out 2 hours 4 times a week. I was running 3 miles, and lifting weights like no one's business. Slowly the scale moved down. Very slowly. Painfully slowly. But it was moving! I got down to 145lb which is a comfortable weight and I feel decent. I would like to be back at my 135lb (my husband says that's too skinny because all the good (defined "jiggly") parts are gone), but at 145lbs I can survive and slow down my working out.

Well one weekend my husband decided he was going to start dieting come the Monday and if anyone is a dieter, you know that the weekend before is considered a going-away party and it's an all you can eat affair. I joined him with drinks and food (though I did tone it down because I was so happy with my weight) and lo and behold what happened the next week? Put ALL MY WEIGHT BACK ON. I was so mad. SO mad. Actually mad doesn't even begin to describe it. Livid would be more like it.

I worked my BUTT off for 4 weeks; watching what I ate, choosing my food carefully, saying no to cheesecake. I took one weekend off and boom, I was back to my old weight? Ridiculous, I say! So I said "no" to diets. I stopped exercising, and I stopped eating right. I was officially off any wagon I have ever touched.

Then about 3 weeks ago, I started having this feeling like I was missing the boat. I'm 31 and I haven't done anything in my life. It was like a mid-life crises. Probably spurred on by the other things going on. I was standing in the headlights with my eyes wide open saying "what have I done with my life?!".

Probably bad timing in the midst of things. Probably? No. It really was bad timing. It was probably magnified to be a bigger deal than it was. Instead of a fleeting thought it was like a train busting through an apartment.

I have amazing friends. Amazing friends who are doing amazing things. Watching their Facebook statuses, talking to them on Skype, and sitting and listening to them over desserts (I'm catching up on my cheesecake from my 4 weeks of denial), has made me jealous. Not jealous in the bad way where you start wishing bad things or thinking bad thoughts. But the good jealousy. The one that starts stirring your heart to be better. To be more. To offer something. To find something that means something.

My mom once told me that when you hit your 30's you start sorting out your identity. You separate from your parents in a different way than you once had. You find that maybe you don't know yourself as you once did. And I'm there. I'm looking at myself going....what kind of eggs do you like?

Actually, I know the kinds of eggs I like. I was just reminded of Pretty Woman (I love that movie and my hubby cheered me up the other day by watching it with me) where Richard Gere's character exposes Julia Roberts' character with her lack of self-knowledge. She liked what everyone else liked. She hadn't taken the time to discover those things.

I consider myself pretty well-versed in all things Bonnie. But there is more. And to get to the point where I can delight in things and not get upset at myself for not dealing with a situation like my ever-patient husband does, or like my gracious best friend does.

I'm passionate, and intense and learning to use those things to my advantage is something I haven't ever focused on.

I love superhero movies. I love Marvel characters. You know what they have in common? They have traits and powers that they have honed. They all aren't good at the same things. Why must I think I must master all the traits and skills that everyone else is gifted with? It's nonsense!

So as I have been wrestling through that personality test, and upset oceans, and sinking building plans, and weight disasters, I have not been blogging.

I have no smart plans on how to save money, or projects to be completed. I have zero wisdom on how to get through this bumpy, bumpy road. I do, however, think that blogging is the best medicine.

Next to more cowbell. (I've got a fever....)