I'm such an all or nothing person. I'm  in or out. I'm up or down.

There is no middle ground. There is no moderation. Oh, I preach moderation, because I know it's always for the best...

But I'm not like that at all.

Go on a diet? Okay. I'll never eat chocolate again. Ten days later...CHOCOLATE!!!! And then it's all shot. The diet is over. I'll never go on another diet.

Keep up with chores? Okay. I'll spring clean once a week, and maintain the heck out of my house. Five days later....SCREW IT! It's going to get messy anyway. I can't keep up!! That's it. Spring cleaning is for over achievers.

Anyone relate?

I'm working really hard (honest!) on changing my attitude.

When my hubby wanted to start eating better to slim down in time for summer, I, as per usual, went nutso. Out go the unhealthy foods, and only the good stuff is allowed.

Well, I blogged about my latest falls into the ground. I'm pretty sure I could have just been digging my own graves during that entire time in anticipation of my sure-to-fail, high-achieving, impossible quests.

I'm the best person to create goals that I simply can't reach. I want to push myself. I want to achieve what can't be achieved. Yet, for 31 years, I can't meet the goals and expectations I set for myself. I know this. I really do. I just keep doing it.

I am doing better. I'm recovering. I'm nursing the only thing that really got hurt in that fiasco. And that would be my pride.

I have in the past couple weeks created 5 weeks of meal plans and grocery lists. All with healthy (not impossible) eating. Heathy eating is a challenge for us because we like to celebrate. We celebrate everything. And we celebrate everything with food. So the day to day eating isn't the unhealthy part. My recipes are all from scratch and contain a good combo of veggies and meat and starch. It's the after supper eating that we are the worst at! And that actually is just a habit to break.

It took a lot of work. Over 2 days of work actually. I set aside everything else (all or nothing), and got the meal plans done. Summer is on its way and, our business, which works primarily on weekends is picking up. Weekend meals aren't something I can be bothered with during our season. So my meal plans contain:

-premaking meals Monday-Wednesday for the weekend
-baking bread on Thursdays for the weekend
-more labour intensive meals Monday-Thursday (labour intensive is an exaggeration)
-1 protein, 1 starch, 2 veggies in each meal

We are in the middle of Week 2 on the list and it's going very smoothly. I have other plans I want to implement but I'm really holding myself back. I want to:

-keep my house up to date
-exercise regularly not to lose weight (read previous post. That's over), but to enjoy it

Remember how I'm all or nothing? Right. So I'm going to master this meal plan thing first. Then I'll start tackling the exercise. Then I'll start tackling the house.

So far what I've discovered when I'm all or nothing is:

-I get stressed out beyond all reason
-my husband pays the price with my stress
-my kids don't have a clue why I'm stressed
-I don't get done what I want to and then I get depressed
-the journey isn't one anyone wants to join me on

So what's my payoff? I don't know! I obviously am getting one because I keep doing it. Over and over again. Maybe I get a high off of my lists that I make. And then when I make some progress (ie 2 days of success), I get excited. My husband gives me sympathy when I fail...maybe that's like a narcotic for me.

We don't do things that we don't get a payoff for. Maybe the sense of failure is reassuring to me. Maybe it's just assurance of what I knew when I made the list. Hm.

It's a disease and a habit. It drives my hubby crazy. He always says "stop over committing yourself" or "you are one person" or "stop making those crazy lists with the timeframes".

And I always say "oh, it's not that much" or "I can do it!" or "wwaaaaah...I'm SO stressed!!!"

Yeah. Something has gotta change. So I'm going to work very hard on reining myself in.

I did start running again (hush you. I'm not overcommitting. I just have started running because I missed it. No pressure to do it everyday or maintain a schedule. Meal schedules only right now), and I think I'll end this post with a couple of my latest additions to my running list:

Walk the Moon - Jenny (seriously check these guys out. I really love their music. I also have their Tightrope on my running list. Good album all around.)

Michael Franti - I'm Alive (my hubby downloaded this and it ended up in my running list. When it came on I figured I'd run through it, and now it's a song that makes me smile every time.)


Have a wonderful Wednesday!